THE SWORD IN THE STONE

Origin: The Once and Future King by T.H. White

Summary: Merlin the Magician teaches a young boy who is destined to be King Arthur. - Imdb.com

Length: 79 minutes
Rating: G
Date of Original Release: 1963

Director: Wolfgang Reitherman
Writers: T.H. White; Bill Peet
Art Director: Ken Anderson
Music: George Bruns

Cast
WART/ARTHUR - Rickie Sorensen, Richard Reitherman, Robert Reitherman
MERLIN - Karl Swenson
ARCHIMEDES - Junius Matthews
SIR ECTOR - Sebastian Cabot
KAY - Norman Alden
SIR PELINORE - Alan Napier
MADAM MIM / OLD LADY SQUIRREL - Martha Wentworth
LITTLE GIRL SQUIRREL - Ginny Tyler

Plot & Commentary
We open our story with an annoying song that tells us that when the king of England died, the only way to avoid war was by way of a miracle in London: a sword in a stone. Whoever could pull it out would be king. Since the English are pretty puny, no one succeeds, and since their short term memory is comparable to a sparrow’s (no hate mail!), they forget about it for a long time. Color me unimpressed by British perseverance. No wonder they lost the American colonies (no hate mail!). “Without law and without order, the strong preyed upon the weak.” For goodness sake—instead of showing us riots and the poverty-stricken streets of London, we zoom into a FOREST and watch a squirrel fight for its life against a wolf and a hawk. NO, DISNEY. Human law has ZERO effect on animal law! Oh, this movie is going to set me off, I know it already.

A wizard—he’s got the hat—complains while pulling a bucket out of a well. There’s no plumbing and no electricity. Then he almost falls in the well. Then he gets his foot caught in the chain. He sloshes water all over. Then he kicks the chain in irritation. Though he has no one to compete with yet, this guy (Merlin, I assume) just became my favorite character in this movie. I have had so many days like this. My whole week has been like this. Where’s my bottle of whiskey? That will make us both feel better. “Everything complicated! One big medieval mess!” Door slams.
Inside, the wizard pulls the table up to his chair. Haha. His pet owl aggravates me. Merlin predicts the arrival of a scrawny kid. In his pipe smoke we see a sturdy young man; a skinny boy runs after him. This delights Merlin. “He’s a regula little grahshoppa! Haha, look at him go!” Merlin looks like everyone’s ideal version of a grandfather: floppy white hair, bushy eyebrows and expressive moustache, long beard, wiry spectacles.

The sturdy youth of the smoke image finds Wart (the grasshopper) irritating. Bunion, which is what I’m calling the sturdy youth until they provide me with a name, is trying to hunt. Bambi’s mother appears across the way but she manages to live to get shot another day when Wart falls on Bunion and the arrow goes awry. Infuriated, Bunion threatens to wring Wart’s neck. This seems a little extreme. And oh my word, these fake English accents are killing me. I don’t know if I’m going to last the movie if they keep this up. Wart is pretty cute, with blond hair and a skinny little body and pointy chin. He’s going through some intense puberty; his voice cracks atrociously. When my brother’s voice changed, it was a constant source of delight to my sister and me. Every time he said “Mom” it sounded like a goose honking. Wart tells Bunion that he’ll retrieve the arrow even though the forest is full of wolves hungry for something more substantial than squirrel. Never mind that Bunion has about twenty arrows to spare. This boy is laying a good foundation for being entered as an idiot in my book—but remember, we have a wizardly prophecy to uphold. He can’t help that he’s in a Disney plot.

A wolf straight out of Peter and the Wolf spies the boy tripping (literally) through the forest and hunts him unsuccessfully. I don’t have the heart to tell the wolf that Wart is the toothpick, not the entrée. Wart find the arrow stuck in a tree and climbs after it, but manages to fall off the branch, right through Merlin’s [poorly thatched, clearly] roof into the chair set up for him. Introductions. “My name is Arthur, but everyone calls me Wart.” ARTHUR, EH? More terrible accents. Where’s my whiskey bottle?
Merlin has been to the future. He has a tiny steam locomotive. I wish Star Wars had existed when this movie was made. Can you imagine Merlin modeling a Darth Vader helmet? Hey, medieval countrymen, I’ve got something that’ll really freak you out! Arthur compliments the wizard’s vast knowledge, which sets Merlin’s eyes twinkling. Aw, a crinkly eyes smile—I love those things. The two start to bond. Arthur keeps staring at Merlin with these huge eyes that are, quite frankly, concerning me. Like he’s been awake for two days straight and then someone gave him a double-shot latte. Wart/Arthur is training to be a squire. Merlin wants him to have a real education. He starts yelling at the enchanted sugar jar dumping sugar in his teacup, which I am only mentioning because the line is such a gem: “WHEN! WHEN! Impudent piece of crockery.” Oh Merlin, I just want to be your best friend!
Arthur pokes the sugar jar, which raps him on the hand. He stands to depart, thinks twice, and grabs another cookie. Wise move. I just gave a cartoon character the nod. Wart needs to get back to the castle kitchens. Merlin takes this in stride and pulls out a travel bag, intending to accompany him. “You watch now, you’ll like this.” He tells everything in his cottage that it’s time to pack up. “Books are always first.” I CONCUR. Everything picks itself up and floats into the bag. Once again I am struck with Mary Poppins envy. Sometimes all I want from life is the ability to point at something and watch while it automatically goes where it belongs.
The sugar bowl causes a traffic jam among the floating crockery when it starts a sibling-like scuffle. [Thanks to the whiskey] I find this incredibly funny. The bric-a-brac shrinks itself and loads itself into the bag. Merlin sings an unintelligible song and concludes with a flourish—“This is the best part now”—which ends with him sitting on his rear, chuckling.
          ARTHUR: What a way to pack!
          MERLIN: Well… well now, just a minute boy, how else would you get all this stuff
          into this suitcase, I’d like to know.
          ARTHUR: Oh, but I think it’s wonderful!
          MERLIN: Oh. Yes it is, rather!
I am now gripped by magic packing envy. I HATE packing. I also want Merlin for a roommate. Nothing would make me happier than to have him toddling around my house lost in his own world or sitting on the couch, poking things and chuckling. When he's not, you know, cleaning up and packing my stuff.

Merlin clarifies that magic will not solve all your problems (he just proved this statement false) and Arthur informs him that he has none. Merlin: “Bah! Everyone has problems, the world is full of problems.” He gets his beard stuck in the cottage door and then it gets wound around his face. “GAH!” If his frustration wasn’t so familiar, and the complications so hilarious, I would be complaining about pratfalls—but the gags are getting gold stars thus far.
Does Arthur want to be all muscle and no brain? “I don’t have any muscle!” Which is why that stupid wolf is following you again? Merlin’s stand is that mental strength is the real power. “Higher learning!!!” He goes skimming nimbly through the forest. Merlin’s boxers are neon pink. If I wasn’t already his #1 fan, I would be now. The wolf gets decked by water and falling boulders while Merlin bounds through the forest roaring, “How do you ever expect to amount to anything without an education, I’d like to know! Even in these bungling, backward medieval times, you have got to know where you’re going! Don’t you?!” Bill Peet was obviously in the middle of dealing with a child who wanted to pursue their music career instead of going to college. “You must plan for the future, boy, you have got to find a direction!” We’ve covered this already, Merlin: Arthur’s a page. The walking soapbox halts—
          MERLIN: Uh… Now, by the by, what direction is this castle of yours?
          ARTHUR: I think it’s north, the other way.
          MERLIN: Oh. Oh. Ggigigigbyshbturalgl.*All right then we better get a move on. Come on
          come on lad, pick up the pace, pick it up pick it up pick it up!
*sputtering
And his feet turn into skis again. The wolf wheezes to the top of the hill they’ve just left, sees them returning the way they came, and collapses. I hope that means we’re finished with this subplot.

Arthur’s castle is legit. It has a moat and a drawbridge. Inside, Bunion’s father is pacing. He looks exactly like the servant version of King Hubert with orange hair. Bunion shrugs off responsibility for “the wart’s” care, but his father claims it. He took in Orphan Wart and he's going to do right by him, by golly. At this moment the wart himself enters. The mastiffs, Tiger and Talbot, launch themselves ecstatically at him. I speak from experience when I say there is nothing like a dog who loves you greeting you home. Merlin wanders in behind him. Bunion’s father (“Fat Papa”) gives Wart extra kitchen duty. They should also hire a fleet of Cinderellas. I’m just saying. Wart scurries off.
          FAT PAPA: Need strict rules, especially for small boys!
          MERLIN'S CRANKY OWL: And I most certainly agree!
Fat Papa, who just heard the bird talk, bursts into laughter at the idea of an educated owl. This is probably to set the stage for the resistance to Wart’s education that will be occurring in about five minutes (I can make predictions too, Merlin).
          MERLIN: I happen to be the world’s most powerful wizard!
           FAT PAPA: Hoo hoo! Come off it, man! Gadzooks!
Challenge accepted. Merlin, haven’t you learned to rise above taunts like this? He makes a “wizard blizzard” and convinces Fat Papa by turning him into a human snowman. Bunion, a.k.a. The Carnivore, referred to some as “Kay” but not by me, continues to stuff his face, because we’re supposed to hate him. It’s working.
          MERLIN: I have come to educate the wart.
Fat Papa doesn’t like the sound of this. Merlin plays some mind games with him and gets invited to stay at the castle. He’s lodged in a crumbling tower, and then it STARTS TO RAIN. Of course.
          MERLIN: “Best room in the house.” If he thinks he’s getting rid of me, I’ve got news
          for that old walrus! I’m sticking it out!
He makes fun of the soaking wet owl and laughs at his own joke. Merlin. Never change. The wizard observes the arrival of Sir Pelinore, who has big news from London. Merlin threatens to turn Archimedes into a homosapien unless the owl goes eavesdropping. I’m just wondering why the most powerful wizard in the world is still standing in a leaky tower and has to send a bird to spy for him.

Fat Papa is thrilled to see Pelinore—who carries himself just like King Stefan—I am just saying—and they settle in for a gossip session. You should know that Arthur and Archimedes are both in the room during this conversation. Fat Papa’s name is Ector. Seriously? Is this more crap English accentry? The big news is that the winner of the new year’s tournament will be made King of England. Fat Papa immediately turns to Bunion, who lazily agrees that it’s a passable reward. Fat Papa decides Bunion is going to win the tourney. Bunion: “Sure. Why not?” Wart is told he can go along as Bunion’s squire and excitedly falls down the stairs in a crash of dishes. Bunion doesn’t want Wart as his squire. The knights ignore him. It pisses me off that Bunion is Kay, because I have always loved Arthurian legend and if there’s anything I know it's that Sir Kay was not the smug punkface waffle iron this moronic ginger is.

Dawn. Bunion is in tourney training and he’s terrible. He crashes into the tower, which wakes Merlin.
          MERLIN: Hjyahaaarchimedes! Archimedes, where where where where are we?!
          CRANKY OWL: In a tumbledown old tower in the most miserable old castle in all Christendom!
          MERLIN: Castle? Castle?
          CRANKY OWL: Don’t you even remember the boy?
Of COURSE not, Archimedes! I got the whiskey out, remember? Outside, Bunion is being reloaded onto his horse. Pelinore informs him that it’s not a matter of muscle—“jousting is a fine skill,” a science. I sense a theme coming on. Merlin observes that Arthur throws himself heart and soul into everything he does. Archimedes doubts that Arthur’s potential can be turned in the right direction. But… why not? Never mind, anyway, because Merlin has plans to cheat and use magic to achieve his ends. Don't ask me.

Arthur tells Merlin his hopes and dreams of white chargers and slain dragons. Since he’s lineage-less he can’t be a knight. The English feudal system was so screwed up. The animators of old got adventurous with this segment, showing most of this conversation in the reflection of the moat water. Merlin tells Arthur that if he can imagine himself as a fish, the rest of it should be covered by magic. This is a rather bizarre theory. Archimedes is grumpy because he was out all night. Arthur: “Then he must stay out every night.” It takes a second for Merlin to get it, and then he laughs like Arthur just turned into Jerry Seinfeld. The spell for turning into a fish, for those of you who would like to try, is “Aquarious aquaticus aqualitus qwum, aquadigitonium.” Someone tell J.K. Rowling. FishArthur has a spike of hair and FishMerlin has spectacles. Heh.
          MERLIN: Thought you could take off like a shot, did you?
          ARTHUR: Well, I am a fish, aren’t I?
          MERLIN: You merely look like a fish.
In other words, Arthur has no natural aptitude for fish-hood. He’ll have to use his brain!!! Ahahaha oh, it all comes together. FishMerlin teaches FishArthur how to swim. He sings a quaint song and everyone has a good time.

Don’t just wait and trust to fate

And say that’s how it’s meant to be

It’s up to you how far you go

If you don’t try, you’ll never know

And so, my lad, as I’ve explained

Nothing ventured, nothing gained

And then he chuckles for about five minutes.
The point of the rest of the song is that the strong will try to conquer Arthur and they’ll succeed unless he can outthink them. This lesson is immediately put to the test when FishMerlin gets stuck in the knight’s helmet that numbers among the objects littering the moat floor and a huge pike starts chasing FishArthur. Merlin won’t make him a human—he tells Arthur to use his brain. Arthur lodges a broken arrow into the pike’s mouth and shoots back to Merlin. “Is the lesson about over?”
Merlin can’t remember the counter spell. Of course! (whiskey). The pike hunts Arthur and Archimedes has to come to the rescue. After a long chase, they manage to make it to land. Merlin stumbles out of the water with the helmet on his head. He returns Wart to his human form. I like the detail that Merlin and Archimedes are soaking wet but Wart, since he was made human out of the water, is dry. This is convenient, since Fat Papa starts hollering for him. Merlin, amused, wonders why the cranky owl saved the boy’s life.

Arthur, shut up. He’s telling a dumbfounded Fat Papa about his adventures in the moat.
          BUNION: Tell him off, Dad.
Fat Papa gives Wart six more hours of kitchen work for being late and telling fish tales. There are masses of dishes in the kitchen, which boggles my mind because it is not physically possible for only three people to make such a mess. Wart sings the "To and Fro" song cheerfully as he scrubs a cauldron. Merlin shows up.
          MERLIN: Have you ever considered being a squirrel?
Merlin reveals that the squirrel’s whole life is a problem. It’s hazardous and dangerous. It’s not the danger that keeps Arthur from getting truly enthusiastic about this idea—it’s the kitchen work ahead of him. Merlin flicks his wand and the dishes start cleaning themselves. Arthur, helplessly fair, says: “But I’m supposed to do it.” Catch your break, kid! Merlin is happy to. They leave the mops and sponges running and get out of dodge.

SquirrelWart goes speeding along tree limbs. SquirrelMerlin, a cautious climber, hobbles from branch to branch. Yep, that’s me. Heights are not my fancy. Handle them with care. Merlin is an old gray squirrel (with spectacles) and Wart is a young brown thing. Merlin: “Don’t take gravity too lightly or it will catch up with you.” Arthur scampers away from his gravity lesson and runs into a pretty red squirrel. She chatters at him and won’t let him pass. He hasn’t gotten that far into puberty, honey. The girl squirrel will not be sidetracked. Arthur has NO CLUE how to handle this. Merlin leaves him high and dry—“You’re on your own, lad! I have no idea how to solve this problem.” There’s a friend for you. Arthur pushes her over and runs away. She follows him and happily pushes him over. I would love for this squirrel to somehow become Guinevere.
Merlin sings a song (while laughing his head off) (let’s be honest, I’m laughing my head off too) while watching the girl squirrel chase Arthur around in the trees. The wolf shows up (I know) and spies SquirrelArthur. He begins salivating. Arthur falls onto Archimedes, then disturbs a nesting woodpecker, and runs back into the arms of the female squirrel. And repeat scene.
A very fat red squirrel finds SquirrelMerlin and disturbs his song about how love makes no sense by grabbing his tail. “MADAM!” And Arthur has the last laugh. Or would, if he could shake his squirrel soulmate. I will just laugh for him. Right as the males decide that being a squirrel is more trouble than it’s worth, Arthur falls off yet another tree branch. His ladylove tries to save him but he plunges toward the jaws of the waiting wolf. When he gets trapped by a log (of course) she dashes to the ground and goes after the wolf, and eventually effectively saves Arthur’s life. She runs back to him and hugs him. I love how even as a squirrel Arthur makes 12-year-old-boy expressions. Merlin finally alakazams himself back to humanity.
          MERLIN: You see?! I’m an ugly, horrible, grouchy old man!
          MERLIN’S SQUIRREL: [angrily] Oooh!!!
He then returns Arthur to his natural form. Arthur’s squirrel is utterly crushed. She begins to cry softly and hides in her nest. And the movie ends with Arthur deciding that his life’s true calling is to be a squirrel and rescue Red from her heartbreak. They scamper through the trees together, smiling and laughing happily.
Or not.
          MERLIN: That love business is a powerful thing.
          ARTHUR: Greater than gravity?
          MERLIN: Well, yes. I’d say it’s the greatest force on earth.
The girl squirrel climbs to a treetop and weeps huge Ariel tears while whimpering piteously as she watches Arthur walk away. I don’t even know what to say. Sad? Weird?

Jazzy music plays as the dishwashing assembly line continues to make no noticeable progress. Fat Papa calls it black magic and attacks the kitchen. The dishes obligingly fight back. Merlin arrives and halts the proceedings, then vanishes. Fat Papa won’t kick him out of the castle, per Bunion’s suggestion, because he might put a spell on them. Arthur sticks up for the wizard and his magic.
          ARTHUR: Just because you can’t understand something, it doesn’t mean its wrong!
That earns Wart more labor and the loss of his job as Bunion’s squire.

Arthur sits dejectedly in the ruins of the kitchen and Merlin reappears. The wizard feels bad. They decide that one of the ways to remedy what’s happened is to start a serious educational course.
Archimedes, listening to the first lesson, highly disapproves of Merlin’s teaching methods. Merlin does some Angry Pipe Puffing and hands the job over to his owl. Archimedes orders Arthur to read a mountain of books and finds he first has to teach him to read. My mother, who is a 1st grade teacher, would be HORRIFIED to see the way that Arthur forms his letters, particularly that B. I am shuddering. Meanwhile Merlin dusts off a model airplane. He tries to demonstrate it to Arthur, but it gets caught by his beard and crashes in the moat. Witnessing this, the owl laughs so hard I’m positive he’ll give himself a stroke. He laughs so hysterically and for such a long time that now I’m sitting here laughing too. Arthur wistfully hopes that someday men will fly. He's always wished he could fly. It takes Merlin about two seconds to take care of that. Arthur’s delight is adorable: “I’m a bird I’m a bird I’m a bird!!!”
Merlin and Archimedes fight over teaching SparrowArthur how to fly. Merlin has studied the mechanics of flight. Archimedes is a bird. Archimedes wins. He clears his throat at Merlin, who clears his throat back at Archimedes. Oh, you two old geezers. I’m glad you have each other. Merlin sulks because this is turning out to be such a crummy day. I’ve got something that will help with that, Merlin. It’s called JAMESON’S. Archimedes waxes poetic over his natural ability: “It is a delicate art. Purely aesthetic. Poetry of motion!” They take a jaunt through the sky. I want to be a bird.
Unsurprisingly, a hawk on the hunt shows up. Archimedes saves Wart’s life again. Arthur had better keep this owl around when he becomes king. He’s proving more valuable than Merlin. No point in being educated if you're dead. The hawk chases SparrowArthur into the woods. Arthur lands on a cottage chimney and… FALLS… down into the fireplace. He’s picked up by a woman with atrocious purple hair and lime green eyes. Who did the character design for this one?! Arthur opens his big trap and tells her all about how he’s a real boy and that all this is thanks to Merlin. She laughs at the mention of the wizard’s name. Her name is Madam Mim and she’s the one with the real power. Madam Mim? Of all the Arthurian shoutouts in this movie, you couldn’t make her Morgana or Morgause? Archimedes arrives unnoticed and 180's like a shot, squawking “Madam Mim!” in accents of horror. She starts singing. Can I skip this scene? She can make herself as large as a house or small as a mouse. If I could do that, I would do it ALL DAY. For some reason she also stays in ugly old creep mode instead of lovely young woman mode. She wants to know how those apples stack up against Merlin. SparrowArthur is unsure.
          ARTHUR: Merlin’s magic is always… well, useful. For something good.
          MIM: And he must see something good in you.
          ARTHUR: Oh, I suppose so.
          MIM: Yes, and in my book that’s bad! So, my boy, I’m afraid I’ll have to destroy you.
          ARTHUR: Destroy me?!
          MIM: Yeah, I’ll give you a sporting chance. I’m mad about games, you know. Well, come on!
          Get going, boy! You gotta keep on your toes in this game!
She morphs into a cat and goes after him. She catches him and he pecks her on the nose. As she’s threatening to wring his neck, Merlin arrives in a tornado of glitter. Mim challenges him to a wizards duel. They march through the woods to the beat of drums.
          ARCHIMEDES: It’s a battle of wits. The players change themselves to different things in an
          attempt to destroy one another. Just watch, boy, just watch. You’ll get the idea.
Rules: only animals, no make-believe animals like pink dragons (so much for Arthur’s dreams of dragonslaying), no disappearing, and no cheating.
Mim immediately breaks all the rules by vanishing and reappearing as a pink crocodile. Merlin starts as a turtle, then a rabbit, then a caterpillar. Neither of them is very good at this game. She’s a fox and then a chicken. He: walrus. She: elephant. He: mouse. Why on EARTH do people think elephants are afraid of mice? She: tiger, rattlesnake. I’m not entirely sure why I’m listing all of these out except that it’s easy to do. He: crab. She: rhino. I feel vaguely as though I’m watching The Emperor’s New Groove. He: goat. She: PURPLE DRAGON. Merlin STAYS IN MOUSE FORM. And then turns himself into a germ, which brings her down with a violent disease (don't ask me). Merlin—1, Mim—0. They leave her tucked in bed shrieking about how much she hates sunshine.

Snow on the castle. Hopefully this means the tournament will happen soon. Bunion is now Sir Bunion. Pelinore thinks the idea of King Kay is a terrible one. He is not alone. Join me for a glass, Sir P? Bunion’s replacement squire has the mumps so Arthur’s back in. He’s pretty excited and runs up to show off his squire’s uniform. Merlin is less than congratulatory: “A fine monkey suit for polishing boots!” He thought Arthur was going to amount to something. He really nails him to the wall.
          MERLIN: A stooge for that big lunk Kay!
          ARTHUR: [angry, tearing up] What do you want me to be?! I’m nobody! You—you don’t
          know a thing about what’s going on today. I’m lucky to be Kay’s squire!
          MERLIN: Oh!! Of all the idiotic—iibibihiihuh—BLOW ME TO BERMUDA!
Then he rockets out of the tower to, presumably, Bermuda. You lost a lot of points with me in this scene, Merlin.

In London, the tournament is going full swing. Arthur confesses that he forgot Bunion’s sword at the inn. He’s sent to retrieve it but the inn is locked. The owl sees a sword in the churchyard. Arthur is beside himself with relief. He runs to the stone that has a sword stuck in it.
As soon as he puts a hand to the handle, a light shines above him like he’s in an episode of Touched By an Angel. Cathedralish voices start to sing. He steps back and everything stops. He touches the sword again and it all starts again. Archimedes warns him to leave it alone and he lets go. He decides Bunion needs the sword and grabs it again. The lights and voices start up once more. This is hilarious. I would spend all day doing that, too. Arthur yanks the sword out of the rock and takes off with it down the street.

He gets back just in time: Bunion is up next. He hands over the sword. Bunion, the moron, doesn’t notice anything special about it, but his father does. Fat Papa reads the engraving and his eyes almost fall out. I have a bad feeling that they’re going to give Bunion the credit for this. Some random man with a huge black beard is all “The sword in the stone! It can’t be!” Pelinore is astounded. Black Hair: “Hold everything! Someone’s pulled the sword from the stone!” Arthur tells the truth about where he got the sword but no one believes him. These people need to go watch the Sesame Street episode of when everyone learned that Sunffleupagus was real and Big Bird wasn't just reporting some really vivid hallucinations.
Everyone goes back to the stone so that Arthur, who never lies, can prove himself honest. Fat Papa replaces the sword. Arthur rolls up his sleeve and bites his tongue in concentration—it’s quite cute—but before he can pull out the sword, Bunion shoves him away. “Anyone can pull the sword once it’s been pulled!” This won’t be the last time in his life that Bunion makes a major fool of himself. Fat Papa tries to help him. A bunch of men flock over. Black Hair and Pelinore call a halt to this—they want to see Arthur try.
Arthur puts his determination back on, grabs the handle, the music starts, the light shines, and he topples backward with the sword in his hand. The light grows and fills the courtyard (why didn't it the first time?) and everyone agrees that it’s a sign from Heaven. Arthur stares, bewildered, as the crowd chants, “Hail, King Arthur! Long live the King!” Can you imagine? Orphaned, twelve years old, your whole life you’ve been a servant, you’ve planned your future around your limits. And suddenly: KING. Archimedes is so happy he almost falls out of his tree. Too bad Merlin had to jet off to Bermuda to pout and is missing this very moving scene. Fat Papa bows his head in shame. “Forgive me, son. Forgive me.” Take note of this, viewers! Treat everyone you meet as though they’re secretly royalty. You never know, especially in cases of foster children.

Arthur sits on his throne in an empty hall, wearing a crown that’s too big for him. He’s not happy. “I can’t be king,” he tells the owl. “I don’t know anything about ruling a country.” I could give him a few tips. The owl is grieved. He told him to leave the sword there. Arthur decides to run away… but every door he tries opens to a crowd screaming his name. He wishes Merlin was there.
Wish granted! Merlin bursts into the room wearing Ray Bans, Bermuda shorts, and Converse. He reacts to the latest news like he’s already heard it, which irritates me. He reassures Arthur—he’s going to be famous! “They’ll be writing books about you for centuries to come. Why, they might even make a motion picture about you.” I’m laughing because it’s really late. Also, whiskey. He plops the crown back on Arthur’s head. The voiceover choir rapidly sings “Hail, King Arthur! Long live the king!”

It’s over!

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Tangled concept art

CINDERELLA

Origin: "Cinderella" by Charles Perrault

Summary: When Cinderella's cruel stepmother prevents her from attending the Royal Ball, she gets some unexpected help from some lovable mice and her fairy godmother. - Imdb.com

Length: 74 minutes
Rating: G
Date of Original Release: 1950

Directors: Clyde Geronimi, Wilfred Jackson, Hamilton Luske
Writers: Charles Perrault; Bill Peet, Erdman Penner, Ted Sears, Winston Hibler, Homer Brightman, Harry Reeves, Ken Anderson, Joe Rinaldi
Art Director:
Music: Mack David, Al Hoffman, Jerry Livingston

Cast
CINDERELLA - Ilene Woods
FAIRY GODMOTHER - Verna Felton
LADY TREMAINE - Eleanor Audley
BRUNO / GUS / JACQUES - James MacDonald
ANASTASIA - Lucille Bliss
DRIZELLA - Rhoda Williams
PRINCE CHARMING - William Phipps (singing voice: Mike Douglas)
KING / GRAND DUKE - Luis Van Rooten
LUCIFER - June Foray
DOORMAN - Don Barclay

Plot & Commentary
We open our Cinderella book to a faraway kingdom—“peaceful, prosperous, and rich in romance and tradition.” A rich gentleman lives in a mansion with his daughter, Cinderella [annoying because her name is supposed to be just Ella at this point], and has remarried in order to give his child a mother. She’s a sharp-looking woman with two bratty-looking girls Cinderella’s age. When the father dies, the stepmother shows her black heart: she’s jealous of her stepdaughter’s charm vs. her own offspring’s awkwardness. The family fortune is blown on everything the brats desire, and Cinderella is “abused, humiliated, and forced to become a servant in her own house. And yet, through it all, Cinderella remained ever gentle and kind, for with each dawn she found new hope that someday her dreams of happiness would come true.” How sweet.

Bluebirds wearing hats and shoes fly to the mansion’s topmost tower and open the window curtains. Inside Cinderella is asleep. They chirp at her to wake her up, which she takes with a measure of grace most of us would be incapable of (I know Megan wouldn't). “Yes, I know it’s a lovely morning, but it was a lovely dream, too.” It turns out that Cinderella speaks bird, and she and the bluebirds conduct a conversation about dreams. This starts her off singing “A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep…” which draws the whole bird neighborhood into her bedroom to listen. I'm impressed because I am incapable of any kind of speech besides grunts (and sometimes not even that) for at least twenty minutes after I wake up. A few sleepy mice crawl out for the concert—also wearing clothes. “If you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true.” I followed this formula faithfully for twelve years and I still never got a horse. LIES, ALL LIES.
The castle clock dongs. “Oh, that clock! Old killjoy.” I like Cinderella a lot so far. She has much more personality than I remember. “Even he orders me around!” The mice are offended by this, for her. The morning begins. The birds make her bed. The female mice kick the men out of the room to help her bathe and dress. I’m watching this in a stupor; I can’t even bring myself to roll my eyes. I mean, I remember the birds and the mice but—seriously? I must say: the female mice voices crack me up. Cinderella puts on her 4th hairstyle within five minutes and slips into a pair of ballet flats. See, she was fashionable even as a downstairs maid.
Mice scurry in to alert Cinderelly that there’s a new mouse in the house. They actually speak squeaky English and inform her that it’s a HE—to which she starts taking out a tiny mouse shirt and accessories. Cinderella makes me think of a Nancy Drew – Pollyanna crossover. She’s got a great sense of humor and seems very normal… and then we catch her making hats for mice. Jaq tells her that HE’s in a trap and she dashes to the rescue—as best she can, I mean, because the tower stairs are eternal.

Jaq goes into the trap to calm down the trapped mouse. I love Jaq. He’s cheerful, skinny, high-energy, a fast talker, and has prominent front teeth and ears. He is my 6 year old cousin in cartoon mouse form. The other mouse is plump and has a dopey way of talking. Cinderella dresses the fat mouse in a shirt that rides up, a hat, and shoes. He’s apparently gone through life nameless, because she decides to christen him Octavius. He looks horrified (maybe that's just my face). “But for short, we’ll call you Gus.” No one ever said she wasn’t creative. I shudder for her poor future children. She goes downstairs and tells Jaq to keep an eye on the newbie.
          JAQ: Zuk zuk! Look, y’ever see a cat cat?
          GUS: Catcat?
          JAQ: Yep! Cat cat! Lucifey! Thatsa him! Meeeany! Sneeeeeaky! Jump at you. Bite at
          you! Ha! Big, big, big as a house! MEERAOW!! RAOW! RAOW!
He pretends to be the fierce cat and Gus falls off the stairstep.

Cinderella emerges into a beautiful hallway with three doors lining it, from which come the dulcet sounds of unladylike snores. Megan, I didn't know you lived here! Ha ha ha. She opens one door. Someone is asleep in the bed; beside it is a beribboned and bevelveted bed on which a fat black cat is asleep: FOLKS, WE HAVE ANOTHER CRAZY CAT LADY. Cinderella beckons him and he rolls over and ignores her. Cinderella: “LUCIFER! Come HERE!” He isn’t happy, but he obeys. He saunters over to her and stretches luxuriously right at her feet, clawing up the hardwood. She shuts the door, launching him forward and out of his dignity. “I’m sorry if Your Highness objects to an early breakfast. It’s certainly not my idea to feed you first.” I love Cinderella’s scorn for this cat. The mice observe them from a hidden hole in the wall and Gus wants to take on Lucifer with his bare hands. Thankfully Jaq is there to restrain the idiot.

An old brown dog is asleep in the kitchen, dreaming and whimpering. She wakes him up. “Dreaming again. Chasing Lucifer?” She pets him by grabbing his head right behind the ears, which is how I greet my dog too. It’s the little things that please me, like the animators getting right the way you greet your dog. “Catch him this time?” Bruno dog-smiles happily. “That’s bad!” He looks shocked. Lucifer cackles. “What if they heard you upstairs? You know the orders! So if you don’t want to lose a nice warm bed, you’d better get rid of those dreams. Know how?” I bet you a hundred dollars she’s about to start singing. “Just learn to like cats.” Bruno reacts as though someone just spiked his lemonade with mushroom oil. “No, I mean it! Lucifer has his good points too.” Then she can’t think of any. While Bruno is laughing at this, Lucifer revengefully positions himself so that he’s laying beneath Bruno’s head, then claws him. Bruno snarls. Cinderella didn’t see the setup, so she thinks the innocent hound was attacking the cat from hell. She scolds Bruno and sends him outside, telling them both that the farmer and the cowman should be friends. Bruno crawls out with his tail tucked between his legs, and Lucifer sulkily swirls his milk.

She puts on wooden shoes (wooden shoes!) and goes outside to feed the chickens. The mice race to the kitchen to join the feast but are brought to a fast halt when they spy Lucifer lounging in the kitchen doorway. They dash back into their hole, dragging Gus, who I am strongly tempted to just call Duh from now on. Jaq: “Carefee!” He hatches a plan: the classic diversion. They draw straws using their tails, which is actually quite clever. Jaq draws himself. Gus pumps his hand in congratulation; the other mice emotionally prep for his funeral. With their hats off, these mice look like Whoville Whos. Jaq approaches his quarry while the others watch. This movie is the king of music gags. Lucifer is dunking his finger and dropping drops of milk, one at a time, onto his tongue. Who among the readership is going to fess up to having done this before? (Megan, raise your hand.) Jaq kicks Lucifer, who falls face-first into the milk bowl. Heh heh. The chase begins. Jaq succeeds in getting safely to the holes in the opposite wall and keeps Lucifer occupied while the others make a break for the yard.
Cinderella tosses the mice some corn and Gus goes to war against the chickens for it. Cinderella dumps a pile taller than he is in front of him and he begins to greedily collect pieces. The other mice have grabbed an average of two corn kernels each. They all hurry back to the hole. One mice drops a kernel and is experienced enough to know better than to go back for it. Gus, who has a stack of corn precariously stacked from palms to chin, sees it and tries to add it to his collection. HOW GREEDY. Not surprisingly, his attempts only send the other kernels shooting out of his hands. This has almost happened to me so many times at Walmart. You know those days—you go in for one thing so you don't bother to grab a basket… The cat and Jaq both watch Gus try to restack his pile.
Unfortunately (or, fortunately, depending on if Lucifer succeeds and how much I still hate Gus at the end of this scene) the cat is not distracted by Jaq’s attempts to draw his attention away from Gus. The fat mouse loses his tower of food AGAIN and tries to collect them AGAIN. I HATE this mouse. He comes nose to nose with Lucifer and the cat gets him by the tail. Jaq drops a broom on Lucifer and Gus gets away. He climbs up the tablecloth onto the tea set that Cinderella has prepared for the family’s breakfasts. Has girlfriend gotten to eat breakfast at all? Bells on the kitchen wall start ringing and the entitled three start hollering for Cinderella. They shout her name repeatedly until I want to storm upstairs and slap them all on both sides of the face.
Lucifer watches in consternation as the tea tray is carried upstairs. He follows and tries to swipe the teacup Gus is hiding under, but fails when Cinderella loses a shoe on the stairs (FORESHADOWING MUCH? “I always was a little clumsy like that,” she’ll tell the reporters) and goes back for it.
Cinderella enters each bedroom with a cheerful greeting and gets only sour replies. Does this happen every day? I hope the prince has a good therapist on staff. Everyone gives her laundry to do. As she makes her way back downstairs, there’s a scream and a crash. Lucifer bounds happily to Anastasia’s door and catches Gus as he comes running out from under it.
Anastasia flings open her door screaming for her mother. Cinderella stares in astonishment as she gets blamed for whatever happened. Anastasia runs to her mother’s room. Drizella follows. Boy, are these women ugly. Cinderella hears the word mouse and immediately turns on Lucifer. She frees Gus, who is such a moron I can’t say it enough, and scolds Lucifer for following his feline instincts. Then she’s called into her stepmother’s room.
          DRIZELLA: Hm!
          ANASTASIA: Are you gonna get it!
Cinderella enters the room slooooowly. Her stepmother is ugly too, but she speaks and moves with such refinement that it’s almost like watching a snake. She’s still sitting in bed, which is incredibly insulting. Cinderella pauses at the foot of the bed. Aside: I like the play with shadows in this film.
          CINDERELLA: Oh please, you don’t think that I—
          STEPMOTHER: Hold your tongue! Now. It seems we have time on our hands.
          CINDERELLA: But I was only trying to—
          STEPMOTHER: Silence! Time for vicious practical jokes. Perhaps we can put it to better use.
          Now, let me see. There’s the large carpet in the main hall. Clean it! And the windows, upstairs
          and down. Wash them! Oh, yes, and the tapestries, and the draperies.
          CINDERELLA: But I just finished—
          STEPMOTHER: Do them again! And don’t forget the garden, scrub the terrace, sweep the
          halls and stairs, clean the chimneys. And of course there’s the mending and the sewing and the
          laundry.
The stepmother has a constant sneer on her face that makes me hate her even more than the powertrip and the unfairness do. Lucifer hears all this with approval, and when she stops he’s irritated. “Oh yes. And one more thing,” she says, and he looks pleased. “See that Lucifer gets his bath.” At least someone else will be unhappy today.

A crown comes crashing out of a palace window, disturbing a group of eavesdropping doves. A portly, balding king shouts, “My son has been avoiding his responsibilities long enough! It’s high time he married and settled down!” A monocled duke crawls out from behind a shield in the midst of the room’s wreckage and reminds the king to be patient. The king disagrees: he’s lonely and wants grandchildren, and if he leaves his son to the business of romance he’ll never hear the pitter-patter of little feet again. He starts blubbering onto the duke’s shoulder. The duke starts to tell him that love—and the king is enraged. “Love! Bah! Just a boy meeting a girl under the right conditions. So, we’re arranging the conditions.” His son is coming home tonight, they’ll throw a ball to celebrate his return, and all the eligible ladies in the kingdom will be there. He starts roaring about how it’s going to be TONIGHT and IT CAN’T POSSIBLY FAIL and ALL THE TRIMMINGS. This character might be up for a bi-polar assessment.

Back at the crumbling mansion, which doesn’t look out of repair to me, the fortune thieves are having a music lesson. To set the first note, Stepmother sings, “The pear-shaped toad” and Anastasia goes to town on her flute, while Drizella caws “Sing, sweet nightingale” and Lucifer and I are in accord for the only time in our lives, with both of us cringing in sincere misery. He escapes and hears a lovely voice singing the same song. Cinderella’s mopping the front hall. She trills away, fixing her hair in the bubble reflections and slinging her rag to and fro. Then—the bubbles pop. “Oh, LUCIFER!” The cat has run around the whole room and left dirty pawprints all over the floor. Next time don’t check yourself out for so long, Cinderella. He scampers away. “You mean old thing! I’m just going to have to teach you a lesson!” She grabs a broom and goes after him and just as I’m thinking AWW YEAH, there’s a knock at the door.

It’s a letter from the king. The mice pop out of a hole in the stairs—the maze they’ve made through this house boggles my mind—and ask excitedly what it says. Cinderella looks up as Drizella drags out an AAAWWWWHHH in the room upstairs. “Maybe I should interrupt the, uh… music lesson?” she says with a little smile. I chuckle. Let’s be friends, Cinderella.
Drizella is flapping her hands like they’re bird wings, which also makes me laugh—at her, not with her, in this case. The sisters start fighting and use Anastasia’s flute as a bludgeon. Their mother chides them on self-control and loses her temper when Cinderella knocks, slamming the piano keys—which really is unfair, seeing as the piano never did anything but suffer in the first place. They read the letter excitedly.
          STEPMOTHER: Every eligible maiden is to attend!
          DRIZELLA: Why, that’s us!
          ANASTASIA: And I’m so eligible!
Jaq and Gus, hearing this, make As If gestures and laugh in silence. Cinderella is thrilled—this means she can go to!
          DRIZELLA: Her! Dancing with the prince!
          ANASTASIA: “I’d be honored, Your Highness! Would you mind holding my broom?”
They almost fall over with laughter. She’s all ‘Let me show you how regally dignified I can be’ and reminds them that it’s by royal command. Her stepmother is forced to acquiesce. “Well, I see no reason why you can’t go. If you get all your work done… and if you can find something suitable to wear.” Cinderella shoots out of the room like her feet have wings. Her stepsisters are horrified.
          DRIZELLA: MOTHER! Do you realize what you just SAID?!?!
          STEPMOTHER: Of course. I said IF.
          DRIZELLA: Oh. IF.
They all smirk together. What kind of a name is Drizella anyway?

This puts a damper on watching the next scene, in which Cinderella pulls a dress out of her trunk and shows it to the mice. It’s not really that pretty. But it was her mother’s, so I won’t pass judgment. She’s going to modernize it. As she’s making happy plans, she’s called to work by the rest of the evil family. It baffles me that she can actually hear them all the way up there. Well, they are a bunch of loudmouths. She resignedly leaves her room. Jaq feels sorry for Poor Cinderelly.
          JAQ: Every time she has a minute, that’s the time when they begin it. “Cinderelly! Cinderelly!”
          EVIL FAMILY: CINDEREEEEEELLLA!
The mice sing peevishly about how their sweet human friend is misused. Jaq tells the others that she’ll never get to go to the ball—“You’ll see. They’ll fix her.” A clever little female mouse stands up and proclaims: “We can do it, we can do it! We can help our Cinderelly. We can make her dress so pretty—there’s nothing to it really.” Then a squeaky chorus starts up as the mice and the birds grab thread and scissors and remake Cinderella’s dress. It’s one of the sweetest gestures cartoon creatures have ever made, and it makes me love this loyal troupe of mice a whole lot.
Jaq wants to help sew but is ordered off by the same female mouse, whom I hope he marries (these things happen in Disney movies), to find trimmings. He and Gus skitter down to a room where the ladies of the house are piling laundry into Cinderella’s arms.
          STEPMOTHER: When you are through, and before you begin your regular chores, I have a few
          little things.
          CINDERELLA: Very well.
The sisters toss aside a sash and chain of beads, angry that they never get the good things in life, and stomp out. The mice run eagerly to collect the sash and don’t notice that Lucifer is napping in the room until it’s too late. He chases them into a hole and they pop out of another. Gus again stupidly opens his mouth and lets words come out—like “BEADS, OOOHH, PRETTY BEADS, BEADS [CHUCKLE CHUCKLE]” and Lucifer runs to sit on the necklace.
The pair tries another diversionary tactic: Jaq will pretend to be collecting buttons off of a shirt and Gus will get the necklace. Lucifer drags the necklace over to where Jaq is dismantling a piece of clothing which Cinderella will probably have to mend later. The cat makes a swipe for Jaq and Jaq tiddlywinks him right in the nose with a button. I love this mouse. Lucifer chases him into the pile of clothes. Gus takes off with the necklace but then he RUNS INTO THE WALL and the entire necklace shatters.
The two mice try to collect the beads (which makes me smile, because Gus loads them into his hat and Jaq strings them onto Gus’s tail) while Lucifer slinks up to them. The mice get away in the nick of time.

A shrill rendition of “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes” is being conducted in the tower bedroom as the mice and the birds reconstruct the dress. It is SO PINK. They’re very happy workers.

Nightime and a bell donging at the castle: attendees unload in front of it. It’s a gorgeous castle front. A carriage pulls up at the entrance to the mansion. Cinderella, still in her housemaid’s clothes and carrying the broom which I’m almost sure is superglued to her hand, alerts the others. They pretend to be surprised to hear that she’s not going.
          STEPMOTHER: Not going! Oh, what a shame. But of course there will be other times—
          CINDERELLA: Yes. Good night.
She opens the door to her room and goes to the window, where she can see the whitely glowing castle. “Oh, well. What’s a royal ball? After all, I suppose it would be frightfully… dull, and—and boring, and completely… completely wonderful.” She looks completely dejected. I'm sad for her, because while, yes, it's just a ball, you get the impression that this is the first good thing to come her way since her stepmother took over her life, and now she's been cheated out of this too. Life is rough.
A yellow glow grows behind her. It’s a candle, and two birds are opening panels to reveal the remade dress. “Surprise! Surprise!” shriek the mice. (Gus: “… Happy birthday!” Jaq can’t withhold his disgust: “No, no, no, no!”) Cinderella is elated. “How can I ever… Thank you so much!” This is a case of what goes around comes around. I hope there are more to come in regard to the stepfamily.
The trio of cheats marches out in hideous dresses. Cinderella catches up with them. She’s wearing the dress and has a Snow White bow in her hair. I’m not sold on this look but she looks prettier than them, at least. The sisters are furious.
          STEPMOTHER: Now, now, girls. After all, we did make a bargain. Didn’t we Cinderella?And
          I never go back on my word.
Cinderella’s smile fades. The mice, watching, know something is up.
          STEPMOTHER: Hmm. How very clever. These beads. They give it just the right touch. Don’t
          you think so, Drizella?
          DRIZELLA: No I don’t, I think she’s—OH! Why, you little thief!
The two girls attack the dress, going after their beads and sash but not stopping there. Cinderella can’t do anything to stop them. When it’s completely in tatters, the stepmother WHO I HATE tells them that’s quite enough—don’t want to get over-excited—and ushers them out. They leave Cinderella standing in the hall.

She bursts into tears and runs into the back garden. She throws herself at the ground in front of a bench and sobs. “It’s just no use. No use at all. I can’t believe. Not anymore. There’s nothing left to believe in. Nothing.” The animal menagerie gathers and watches sadly, then with confusion as stars of light start to float around in the air. The sparks collect themselves into the shape of a plump old woman wearing a blue cloak with an enormous magenta bow at the neck. She says kindly, “Nothing, my dear? Now you don’t really mean that.” Cinderella most certainly does. “Nonsense, child! If you’d lost all your faith, I couldn’t be here! And here I am!” Cinderella looks up, bewildered (and rightfully so).
          WOMAN: Come now, dry those tears. You can’t go to the ball looking like that!
          CINDERELLA: The ball? Oh, but I’m not—
          WOMAN: Of course you are! But we have to hurry. Because even miracles take a little time.
          CINDERELLA: Miracles?
          WOMAN: Mm-hmm. Watch!
She’s lost track of her magic wand, which reveals to Cinderella, who has access to backstory we don’t, that this woman is her fairy godmother. The woman sets the wand to work, singing a nonsense song that turns a pumpkin into a gleaming carriage while the animals watch in fear. Without fail, my favorite part of this song is when the choir bursts out singing “Salagadoola menchika boola.” I can just picture Walt Disney saying to this group of people, “You’re going to do background vocals for a nice song called Sing Sweet Nightingale, very lovely. And then we’re going to mix it up a bit.”
Jaq calls the carriage wonderfee and finds himself turned into a silver horse. The fairy godmother does the same to two of his compatriots, but misses Gus. She shoots another stream of magic at him right as Lucifer pounces. Lucifer finds himself on a horse’s back and Gus finally gets his own, whinnying shrilly and sending the terrorized cat bounding out of the garden. He trots over to the other three and all laugh raucously. I always liked that part.
          FAIRY GODMOTHER: Serves him right, I’d say. Now, um, where were we? Oh, goodness,
          yes. You can’t go to the ball without a—
Cinderella, holding her shredded dress, waits breathlessly (for the third time).
          FAIRY GODMOTHER:—a horse.
          CINDERELLA: A-a-a-another one?
Girl is a good sport. The FG turns the mansion’s horse into a coachman. Bruno is made into the footman as the finishing touch. Cinderella tries to explain about her dress. If this movie was set today, she’d be good to go as-is. The FG tells her she’s wasting time.
          FAIRY GODMOTHER: Don’t try to thank me!
          CINDERELLA: Oh, I wasn’t! I mean, I do—but… don’t you think my dress—
          FAIRY GODMOTHER: Yeeeeeeees, it’s lovely, dear, lovaggGOOD HEAVENS, child, you
          can’t go in that!
Relieved, she smiles and shakes her head.
The FG mutters about size and eye color and simple but daring too, and up swirls the magic and dresses Cinderella in a sparkling gray gown with gloves above her elbows and a black choker around her neck. Her hair is swept up and has a headband in it, and she’s lost her ears but she’s got diamond earrings. She’s wearing shoes made of glass. She’s radiant.
          CINDERELLA: Oh, it’s a beautiful dress! Did you ever see such a beautiful dress?
I love Cinderella’s dress. Nothing makes me madder  (well, maybe a few things) than Disney merchandisers of today who have made her dress blue and her hair corn-yellow. She looks completely beautiful in the movie. The FG tells her to enjoy it while it lasts. “On the stroke of twelve, the spell will be broken, and everything will be as it was before.” That sucks. Cinderella: “Oh, I understand. But… it’s more than I ever hoped for.” Good point. Who cares about a midnight curfew when five minutes ago you weren’t even going? “Bless you, my child,” says the FG affectionately, and sends her on her way. The carriage races over the hill and through the town.

In the palace ballroom, the prince is being introduced to one young lady at a time. There is quite a line. From a balcony over the room, the king and the duke watch each bow/curtsey anxiously. The king growls, “Eh! The boy isn’t cooperating!” Since I don’t think we ever learn the prince’s name, I’m going to call him The Boy from here forward. The duke’s daughter is presented; she approaches the prince and he stifles a yawn.

Cinderella enters the palace uncertainly. The line of guards watches her pass. I always thought they were judging her for being late but now I think they're checking her out. She starts climbing the grand staircase. That is kind of mean. She’s going to be sweating like a cow when she gets to the top. If you look closely at the screen, the guards line even the stairs, and the ones just halfway up are teeny.

Drizella and Anastasia Tremaine are announced. They’re tripping over the other’s skirt hems and shoving each other. Seeing them, The Boy rolls his eyes heavenward. The king recoils. He declares that he gives up. The duke, rolling his monocle like a yo-yo, pulls out the I Told You So speech that he’s been mentally perfecting all evening. “Well, if I may say so, Your Majesty, I did try to warn you, but you, sire, are incurably romantic. Heh heh! No doubt you saw the whole pretty picture in detail.” The king covers his ears and glares at him. The duke breezes airily on as everything he describes comes to pass while he narrates. “The young prince, bowing to the assembly. Suddenly, he stops. He looks up. For, lo, there she stands.” The Boy looks past the Uglies and sees Cinderella wandering around in the dark by herself. He pushes between them and makes his way to her. “There she stands: the girl of his dreams! Who she is or whence she came, he knows not, nor does he care.” The king watches his son with interest. “For his heart tells him that here, here is the maid predestined to be his bride.” He touches her hand and she whirls around. He bows, and she curtseys. The king rubs his eyes and looks delighted. “Ho ho ho ho ho! A pretty plot for fairy tales, sire! But in real life, oh no! No! It was foredoomed to failure.” The king scowls and yanks the monocle out of the duke’s hand. “FAILURE, EH! HA HA! TAKE A LOOK AT THAT, YOU POMPOUS WINDBAG!”
Through the monocle, they watch the prince lead the young lady into the room. The king shouts for the waltz. He whistles for the lights and almost falls off the balcony. Haha. Music starts and the couple begins to dance. The king decides that since everything is working out perfectly, it doesn’t need his supervision and he’s going to get a good night’s sleep. It will need the duke’s supervision, however. If anything goes wrong, the king will have his head.
Our dear bi-polar king dances jovially down a hallway lined with stiff-postured attendants, singing la-di-da’s to the tune of the waltz. The Jeeves at the end of the line is grabbed and whirled around, and when he is released he pops right back into place and posture as though never disturbed. I find this hilarious every time.

In the ballroom, the Tremaines are trying to figure out who the newcomer is. The Boy and Cinderella dance past them and out onto the terrace. The duke prevents Lady Tremaine from following with one tug of a curtain cord.

Cinderella and the Prince sing “So This is Love,” one of the sweetest love songs in the Disney canon, as they twirl through the palace gardens and smile at each other.

So this is love, hmm mmm mm mmm, so this is love

So this is what makes life divine

I’m all aglow and now I know

The key to all heaven is mine

My heart has wings and I can fly

I’ll touch every star in the sky

So this is the miracle that I’ve been dreaming of

So this is love, hmm mmm mm mmm, so this is love

They lean in to kiss right as the clock begins to strike.
          CINDERELLA: Oh my goodness!
          THE PRINCE: What’s the matter?
          CINDERELLA: It’s midnight! [leaps to her feet]
          THE PRINCE: Yes… so it is, but why—
          CINDERELLA: Goodbye!
          THE PRINCE: No, no wait! You can’t go now, it’s only— [he grabs her hand]
          CINDERELLA: Oh, I must! Please! Please, I must!
          THE PRINCE: But why?
          CINDERELLA: Well, I, I—well, the prince! I haven’t met the prince!
          THE PRINCE: The prince! But—didn’t you know that—
The clock clangs again. Oh, midnight! Why do you always have to go ruin everything?
          CINDERELLA: Goodbye!
          THE PRINCE: Wait. Come back. Oh, please come back! I don’t even know your name, how
          will I find you?! Wait! Please, wait!
These Disney men have got to stop falling in love at first sight before getting even the most basic information about the women they’re losing their hearts to. It gets them in a world of trouble. Cinderella bursts through the curtains and into the ballroom. She waves goodbye to the duke, who waves back before he realizes what’s happening. The prince bursts through and is immediately swarmed by a horde of eligible and neglected young ladies. He doesn’t try nearly hard enough to follow her, in my opinion. Cinderella zooms down the grand staircase at such speed that she loses one of her shoes. She turns to go back for it, but the duke is hot on her heels (one bare)(probably blistered, too, from all that dancing and rubbing against glass), hollering “Mademoiselle! Senorita!” She makes it to the coach and her anxious friends, who take off at the speed of light. The duke: “Stop that coach! Close those gates! FOLLOW THAT COACH! OPEN THOSE GATES!” Black and red riders follow the white coach out of the castle grounds. The art in this movie is so beautiful. It’s like it came straight out of an old fairytale book.

The magic wears off completely and everyone turns back into what they were just a few hours ago. They scramble out of the way as the riders charge past, pulverizing the pumpkin. Cinderella apologizes for forgetting the time, and tries to put into words how wonderful it all was. The mice see that the remaining glass slipper is still on her foot. I am so sure. She thanks the sky, so much, for everything.

Lights go out at the castle. The clock strikes three. The duke is outside the king’s chamber, practicing how to break the news, while the king dreams of grandchildren. The duke enters. “Proposed already, has he!” shouts the king, who immediately starts making wedding plans and knights the duke.
“Sire, she got away.” Of the many things that would be unwise to say when a bi-polar king has a sword at your shoulder, that one takes the cake, Duke. The king turns purple. He starts screaming TRAITOR and TREASON and SABOTAGE and A LIKELY STORY while the duke attempts to remind him of his blood pressure.
And so begins the famous jumping on the bed scene, in which the duke and the king seesaw-trampoline up and down, the king swinging his sword, the duke babbling about the shoe he found. Let's just state the obvious: if I had a bed that would bounce me high enough to grab a chandelier 20 feet above me, I would do it ALL DAY.
          DUKE: Sire! He loves her! He won’t rest ’til he finds her! He’s determined to marry her!
          KING: What? What did you say?
          DUKE: The prince, sire! Swears he’ll marry none but the girl who fits this slipper!
The happy king slices the chandelier chain and everyone and everything plummets to the ground with a crash. They crawl out of the new cavern in the mattress. The Duke: “But sire! This slipper could fit any number of girls!” JUST THE POINT I WAS ABOUT TO MAKE. King, jovial once more: “That’s his problem! He’s given his word—we’ll hold him to it!” The duke is informed that he will be spearheading Operation If the Shoe Fits.

A declaration is posted. At the mansion, Lady Tremaine hollers for Cinderella. I’m ashamed to say I kind of like her poppy-red dress. Cinderella’s broom has been re-affixed to her hand. Lady Tremaine wants to know where her daughters are. The slugs are still in bed. She orders breakfast brought up immediately. Jaq and Gus watch curiously.
          JAQ: Wow! Wonder wassa matter!
          GUS: Duuhh… what’s the matter with her!
          JAQ: I dunno! Let’s find out! Come on!
I have a theory that the actor voicing Jaq had his lines recorded and then they sped them up. Like, x200. The pair pops into another one of their multitudinous household holes.

Lady Tremaine wakes up her daughters. She’s all in a hurry because the Grand Duke will be there any minute. The mice watch from beneath candles in a candelabra. I’d love to know how they managed that one.
          STEPMOTHER: He’s been hunting all night!
          DRIZELLA: Hunting!
          STEPMOTHER: For that girl! The one who lost her slipper at the ball last night!
At this point Cinderella enters the room.
          STEPMOTHER: They say he’s madly in love with her!
          ANASTASIA: The Duke is?
          STEPMOTHER: No, no! The prince!
Cinderella gasps, “The prince!” and drops the tray. Her stepmother tells her to clean up the mess and help the other two get dressed. “What for?” sulks Drizella. “If he’s in love with that girl, why should we even bother,” grumps Anastastia. They pull the covers back over their heads. I have to admit that their logic is sound. Lady Tremaine’s definitely isn’t. She thinks they can trick the duke into thinking one of them was wearing the glass slipper. PLEASE. Maybe the duke would buy it, but it’s not like the prince didn’t have eyes in his head. Cinderella’s face was the primary reason he fell in love with her last night, because they obviously didn’t do much talking. Men! The next time you fall in love, make sure you get her name!!!
Lady Tremaine tells them that whoever the slipper fits will be the prince’s bride. “His bride,” breathes Cinderella. “HIS BRIDE!” scream the sisters. They rush around the room loading her up with laundry while she stares at nothing in a happy stupor.
          ANASTASIA: What’s the matter with her?!
          DRIZELLA: Wake up, STUPID!
          ANASTASIA: We’ve gotta get dressed!
Cinderella dumps the laundry in Anastasia’s arms. “Yes. We must get dressed. It would never do for the Duke to see me like this,” she says dreamily, and floats out of the room. The sisters are aghast. Lady Tremaine watches with narrowed eyes. Cinderella so this is loves her way down the hall and up the stairs. Stepmother and mice follow.

Cinderella sings to her reflection while brushing her hair. Her dressing table is really pretty—remnants of a life lived a long time ago, I’m sure. The mice try to alert her. I’m fairly certain that as a child I joined them in screaming BEHIND YOU!!! Cinderella. Lucifer taught you that there are narcissism has consequences. I thought we had moved past this. She turns around too late—her stepmother locks the door and pockets the key. Cinderella wails, “No, please! Oh, you can’t do this, you just can’t! Let me out! You must let me out! You can’t keep me in here! Oh, please!” She sobs against the door while her valiant mice friends determine that they gotta get that key.

The duke dozes in his carriage. When it pulls up he almost drops the shoe. That is the kind of thing where you can feel it take ten years off all you internal organs. Inside, the Tremaine girls flurry around. Their mother tells them this is their last chance—“Don’t fail me.” The duke enters and shudders at the sight of the two of them. They start to fight over who actually owns the shoe. The duke sleepily reads the declaration (side thought, it's kind of nice that he spent the whole night going to other houses and let Cinderella get her beauty sleep). Jaq dives into the pocket where the key is. He almost has it out and in Gus’s hands, but Lady Tremaine smiles at the upstairs door and pats her pocket to reassure herself.
Anastasia tries on the slipper. The arch and heel don’t even make it in. She says it’s just a little snug today. Always up for a challenge, the footman roll up his sleeves and spits on his hands, then goes to work on getting the shoe to fit. The duke falls asleep.
The mice manage to get the key out and so begins the long climb up the stairs. I remember that for a long time in my childhood this was why I didn’t like to watch this movie—because the stair-climbing process was grueling and boring. Watching it now, it takes about twelve seconds. Gus nearly passes out when they get to the base of the tower stairs. I sympathise with him, so much. The starts and ends of every college school year are flashing before my eyes. Jaq tells Gus, “Come on! Just up there!” Bless him.

She sees them through the keyhole.
          JAQ: Us a comin’, Cinderelly! Us a comin’! Us’ll getcha out!
          CINDERELLA: You got the key!
It’s like watching the cavalry arrive. Cinderella’s tears turn momentarily into happy ones, but before Gus and the key can slide under the door… LUCIFER. The cat from hell pounces on Gus+key and traps them under a bowl. Nothing will shift him. The mice forces come at him with teeth, forks, candles, and ceramics, but he fights them off with ease. Good thing Cinderella can speak bird, because she sends them to get Bruno. The dog proves worrisomely difficult to wake.

Drizella’s turn. “Of all the stupid little idiots!” She pushes the footman away and crams her foot into the shoe. The odd flexibility of her foot intrigues me. I hope it means that she has some strange foot disease that will soon prove fatal. The fit doesn’t hold, though, and the shoe goes pinging off her foot and flying through the air. The duke catches it like he’s sliding into home.

Bruno comes charging to the rescue and scares away Lucifer. The mice can’t pry Gus off of the key. “No, no, no, no, no!” he says stubbornly, eyes closed. This is how I respond when woken up by others. Jaq manages to get him to help shove the key under the door.

The duke makes his departure.
          DUKE: You are the only ladies of the household, I hope—I presume?
          LADY TREMAINE: There’s no one else, Your Grace.
Then, just as he’s turning away and our hearts are crashing to the floor, they come surging up again at the sound of a voice: “Your Grace! Your Grace! Please, wait! May I try it on?” The duke looks appreciatively at Cinderella’s feet. The Tremaines try to prevent him, but he tosses them a scornful “Madam! My orders were EVERY maiden,” and moves with relief to Cinderella’s side. He beckons for the footman to bring the slipper. As the little man scurries past Lady Tremaine, she sticks out her cane and trips him. The footman trips and the shoes flies through the air to the floor by Cinderella’s chair. It shatters in a second.
The duke sprouts about 50 white hairs and starts planning his own funeral. Cinderella, unfazed, says “But perhaps, if it would help—” NO, NO, NO, he moans. I am so tired of people interrupting this girl. She doesn’t miss much and she’s usually right. She’ll make a good queen. If they would just LET her.
          DUKE: Nothing can help now, nothing!!!
          CINDERELLA: But you see… I have the other slipper.
She pulls it out of her pocket. He slides it onto her foot and wedding bells start to ring.

The Boy and his bride run out of the palace to their carriage. It’s twelve noon, in case you wanted to know. I bet that was their own little private joke. I wish we could have seen the reunion of the happy couple. My big complaint with the early princess movies is that they’re all about the heroine falling in love with a prince or what have you, but there is hardly any screen time devoted to letting us see them interact with each other. Little birds hold up Cinderella’s veil, of course. She loses a shoe on the stairs and the king runs down to put it back on her foot. The bride and groom climb into their coach and drive away, waving to the townsfolk. The mice, dressed in tiny blue jackets and plumed hats, throw and/or eat rice. The choir assures us that if you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true. The Prince and Cinderella kiss as the carriage rolls away.
And they lived happily ever after. But only if you know how to read.

It’s over!

-follow this link for the complete list of Cinderella posts-

Tangled concept art: Flynn Rider

THE ARISTOCATS

Origin: ?

Summary: Upon Madame Adelaide Bonfamille's passing, her cat Duchess and three kittens stand to inherit her fortune. But not if Edgar the butler can help it. - Imdb.com

Length: 78 minutes
Rating: G
Date of Original Release: 1970

Director: Wolfgang Reitherman
Writers: Larry Clemmons, Vance Gerry, Ken Anderson, Frank Thomas, Eric Cleworth, Julius Svendsen, Ralph Wright, Tom McGowan, Tom Rowe
Art Director:
Music: George Bruns

Cast
THOMAS O'MALLEY - Phil Harris
DUCHESS - Eva Gabor (singing voice: Robie Lester)
BERLIOZ - Dean Clark
MARIE - Liz English
TOULOUSE - Gary Dubin
EDGAR - Roddy Maude-Roxby
MADAME ADELAIDE - Hermione Baddeley
GEORGES - Charles Lane
ROQUEFORT - Sterling Holloway
NAPOLEON - Pat Buttram
LAFAYETTE - George Lindsey
AMELIA - Carole Shelley
ABIGAIL - Monica Evans
FROU-FROU - Nancy Kulp
SCAT CAT - Scatman Crothers
SHUN GON - Paul Winchell
BILLY BASS - Thurl Ravenscroft
PEPPO - Vito Scotti
HIT CAT - Lord Tim Hudson
UNCLE WALDO - Bill Thompson

Plot & Commentary
May I just mention how cute the animated credits to this film are. Oh, let’s just start here. The title card comes up and says The Aristocrats and a little pencil kitten runs by and pulls out the R. He runs back and smushes the letters back together, and the logic that this would cause the c to squash up into a C pleases me. A happy Frenchman sings a song in English, meaning the only word I understand is “aristocats.”

We open our story in Paris, on a bridge near the Eiffel Tower. Why aren’t there a lot of animated films set in major American cities? We have yet to see them paint D.C. but Paris and London have been visited many times. Just saying. It’s 1910. A carriage is rolling down the street. A little black kitten jumps on the carriage horse’s pink flowered hat. There’s an elderly lady riding in the carriage and she pets two white cats, one of them a kitten named Marie, the other Duchess, mother to this trio. An orange kitten jumps onto the driver’s shoulder and tries to climb up his face to bat some sort of decorative thing on his top hat. Edgar (the man) smiles with the patience of Job and removes him. Aww.
They pull up at the house and everyone disembarks. The black kitten, Berlioz, has a red necktie and the orange one, Toulouse, has a blue bowtie. They play around the horse’s feet. Duchess reminds Berlioz to thank the horse (named Frou-Frou. Yes, you read that right. FROU-FROU, and she has a voice that could curdle milk) for the ride. Madame calls the cats inside and reminds Edgar that her attorney is coming over. By the way, Megan, I wrote no comments to you in this recap because you were present for the viewing session, so all worthy comments were already made in your hearing.

An old man pulls up in a rattling car. He doesn’t have any teeth. He probably lost them in his eyebrows. Singing enthusiastically, he uses a walking cane to go leaping down the walk. What kind of drugs did they have in 1910? Edgar lets him in and Georges begins to make his unsteady way up the stairs.
          GEORGES: Come on Edgar, last one up the stairs’s a nincompoop!
          EDGAR: Ah, could we take the elevator this time, sir?
          GEORGES: That birdcage? Poppycock! Elevators are for OLD people!
He loses his balance but Edgar rescues him from a full backslide. Georges catches Edgar’s suspenders and uses them to propel him forward. He lands on Edgar’s back, and they topple up to the second floor. I’ll just be over here, laughing hugely.

Upstairs: Madame is admiring herself in front of a huge full length mirror. Thanks for stopping by, narcissism. She’s got a poofy pink shawl on and reminds Duchess that Georges is their oldest friend. Duchess has changed collars. Five minutes ago she was wearing a gold band and now she’s got some fancy blue thing on. You’re kidding me, right? There’s a knock at the door and Edgar collapses into the room to announce Monsieur Georges Hautecourt. The kittens run to greet him.
The gramophone is playing “Habanera” from Carmen. Oh, Madame’s an eccentric ex-actress. Terrific. Georges waxes enthusiastically nostalgic about their first meeting, when they danced the night away. They share a little smile and I don’t know if we’re just supposed to appreciate the fact that they’re such old friends or understand that there was once something there. If I’m supposed to be picking up on the something, I’m not. I’m not Madame’s biggest fan right now, anyway, so I don’t care about her romantic past. They dance through the room with Duchess held up between them. This is hysterical, because Madame is tall and elegant and Georges is half her height and bowlegged. Berlioz rides on the spinning record and knocks the needle off track.
Georges settles in at the desk to make Madame’s will. His coke-bottle glasses are spectacular. She reminds him that she has no living relatives and she wants her feline darlings to be well cared-for. No one can do this better than Edgar, she says. There’s a little two-way tube from the sitting room to Edgar’s bedroom, and he stands there ironing and eavesdropping. Georges starts in on Madame’s vast fortune and this house and those bonds and that country chateau, etc. etc. etc. She really plans to leave it all to her butler? Edgar starts doing a happy little dance in the middle of his room.
          MADAME: Oh, no, Georges! To my cats!
          GEORGES: [even more horrified] To your CATS?
          EDGAR: CATS?
Edgar sinks and buries his face in his hands. Madame explains that they will inherit first, and at the end of their lives Edgar will inherit everything. Oh my lawrd. This is only going to encourage the cat fanatics. IT IS NOT NORMAL, EVERYONE. THE WOMAN IS UNHEALTHILY OBSESSED. They are cats. SHE IS CRAZY. Edgar does some inaccurate math and comes to the conclusion that having one foot in the grave is not going to cut it when it comes time for him to inherit the estate. There are a million dollars of reasons why those cats have got to go! Like the cats are going to know any differently. I will just quietly point that out.

The varmints in question are happily racing around outside. They all launch themselves at the cat-door and get stuck. Marie is the only one with an English accent. The boys are Americans. Since Duchess is Hungarian, I guess that’s how the cards fall.
          TOULOUSE: Why should you be first?
          MARIE: Because I’m a lady, that’s why!
          TOULOUSE: You’re not a lady!
          BERLIOZ: You’re nothing but a sister!
They chase each other into the drawing room, bickering as they go. These kittens are freaking adorable. Not because they’re kittens, either. They just have really cute personalities and their interactions are really fun. It reminds me of how twins interact (I guess triplets is more accurate)—one discovers something, the other mimics; minds always turned up to 100%. It’s of course also very kitten-like, with the chasing and the wrestling and the batting. Toulouse accidentally drops a candle on Marie and she hollers for Mama. Duchess, who has changed her collar yet again, enters and gently reminds them how ladies and lovely gentlemen act. Berlioz smiles. “We were just practicing biting and clawing.” Duchess says it’s time for Self Improvement.
Toulouse goes over to his painting items and the other two are allowed to watch. He mixes up a mess of purple paint and produces a masterpiece that looks like Edgar. The kittens have nicknamed him “Old picklepuss Edgar.” Duchess reminds them that Edgar is very fond of them and takes very good care of them. You’re in for a nasty surprise, Duchess.

Picklepuss is cooking in the kitchen. He mixes an entire bottle of sleeping tablets, cinnamon, nutmeg, and vanilla into warm cream. Um, I’ll take a mug of that, please. He makes up a little rhyme and thinks he’s very clever. I really liked this guy five minutes ago and I’m annoyed that he’s got this dopey little smile that makes me want to still really like him but no, he’s got to be the bad guy.

Duchess sends Marie and Berlioz to the piano. I love this cat’s voice. How can you not love your mother when she has that voice? Marie flicks her tail in Berlioz’s face, and he tackles her, and she pulls him off the piano stool and goes over to the side and fluffs her fur. Got some tips from Madame there, Marie? She watches in annoyance as Berlioz cracks all of his twenty toes. “I’m ready, Maestr-ohh.” He runs his paws down the keys and it crimps her tail. “Mama, Mama! He did it again!”
Duchess settles them down. I like that these kittens are brats to each other but never to her. Berlioz plays the piano while Marie sings, then has his own solo. A paint-covered Toulouse joins him and Duchess and Marie sing a duet. They’re too freaking cute. And such children. And such siblings. And such showoffs. I love it, love it, love it. The song ends with the whole family singing and the boys jumping up and down on the piano keys. Good thing Madame is completely in love with these cats and won’t care that her billion dollar piano is now rainbow colored.
Edgar arrives with four dishes of Crème de la Crème a la Edgar. The cats dig in. A mouse named Roquefort pokes his head out of a hole in the wall and joins them. He dunks a cracker in the cream. Everyone gets sleepy quickly.

Now Edgar does a very foolish thing. In the middle of the night he packs the sleeping cats into a covered basket and sneaks out of town on a motorbike (We get a quick tour of Paris. Thanks, Disney. I’ve never been to France). I call it foolish because Edgar’s timing is terrible. He’s not going to get the inheritance tomorrow. Why not wait until Madame dies and then take care of the cats? She might even choose another heir between now and then, with her cherished pets gone. I know, I know. We have to have a story. I just needed to vocalize that once, and now I’ll shut up.

He heads out into the countryside and runs into two dogs named Napoleon and Lafayette. These dogs run the fine line between irritating and awesome and come out on the side of awesome. Napoleon is a regular brown hound with a back country accent and Lafayette is a basset hound who trips over his own ears and it’s actually funny. I have a soft spot for animals under the illusion that they live army lives.
          NAPOLEON: Now sound the attack!
          LAFAYETTE: [barks]
          NAPOLEON: No, that’s mess call!
          LAFAYETTE: [stupid grin] Made a mess of it, huh?
          NAPOLEON: You can be replaced, you know.
They wage war on Edgar and his motorbike. He veers off of the road and loses the cat basket by a bridge over a stream. The Dogs vs. Edgar sequence is extremely entertaining. They manage to break the sidecar off of the motorbike and at one point spin around on the arms of a windmill. It’s a valiant effort, but Edgar makes his escape on his motorcar. Way to win, Edgar. I hope you go up in a motorcar explosion.

Thunder wakes Duchess—something tragic has happened, so of course it’s about to rain—and she searches for her children. She’s been thrown out of the basket. “Oh, where am I? I’m not at home at all!” and instead of wanting to make some Captain Obvious comment, I feel all ‘DUCHESS, YOUR VOICE MAKES EVEN CAPTAIN OBVIOUS LINES SOUND ELEGANT, PLEASE TEACH ME YOUR WAYS!’ She finds Marie lodged in a tree. Berlioz comes toward them through the water, looking like a drowning rat. “I’m coming, Mama. Gee, I’m-m cold and I’m-m-m wet.” Toulouse is still sleeping comfortably in the covered basket. He tells them that Edgar did this to them but the others don’t believe it. They all pile into the basket to wait out the night and the storm. Duchess: “Poor Madame. She’ll be so worried when she finds us gone.” I have to hand it to these cats. They love that lunatic as much as she loves them.

Duchess is correct. Madame wakes up looking for her cats—whose bed is ridiculous—and finds them missing. She runs shrieking through her house. This wakes up Roquefort the mouse, who sees the storm and immediately rushes out into the rain and dark to find the cats and help them. That was the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.

It’s a beautiful morning at the stream. Duchess wakes to someone singing. It’s a tomcat named Thomas O’Malley, and he’s singing about himself and his wanderlust. I can’t help loving songs that burst into brassy jazz, even if they are all about ego. He spies Duchess, who is quite a lovely cat, and starts sing-flirting with her. She’s a savvy one, though, and just starts washing herself. The kittens wake up and watch the show. Toulouse is excited to meet an alley cat. Marie tells him to shut up. The song ends and Duchess applauds and calls the tom a great talent without making herself sound like either a simpleton or a flirt. She has a very sincere personality and I like that. DUCHESS, TEACH ME YOUR WAYS! He starts laying it on heavy: “And those eyes! Ooh. Why, your eyes are like sapphires, sparkling so bright, they make the morning radiant… and light.” Marie melts into a puddle. “How romantic!” Duchess calls it very pretty but she doesn’t want to hear any more—she’s in a great deal of trouble. He’s thrilled to hear it. She wants directions to Paris. He starts talking about flying her to Paris in a magic carpet, which is the best news the kittens have heard all day. They pop up like whack-a-moles and throw his groove out of joint. Marie: “Mama, do I have sparkling sapphire eyes that sparkle, too?” Way to make him squirm, kid. I applaud you. Berlioz takes him to task about the magic carpet and Thomas continues to stutter. “No poetry to cover the situation?” Duchess smiles. Oh, this FAMILY. He pulls out the slick words but it’s not going to work. Duchess has been around the block, buddy, and she can see right through your transparent flattery. “Perhaps a magic carpet… built for two?” Marie makes me aww: “I wouldn’t take up much room.” The four start to walk away, and Marie looks at Thomas with fluttering eyes and sighs romantically. Haha. Toulouse shows off his hackles and spitting tactics. Thomas encourages him: he must be a real tiger. Toulouse: “Yeah! That’s ’cause I practice all the time!”
Now that we’ve smashed Thomas to pieces, let’s observe as he rebuilds himself. He watches them depart with a chuckle. “Now that’s quite a family.” He fell in love with them as quickly as we did. He looks disgusted with himself. “Come to think of it, O’Malley, you’re not a cat, you’re a rat. Right? Right.” He calls for them to stop. “Now kids. If I said magic carpet, magic carpet it’s gonna be!” They smile at him eagerly.
His magic carpet is a milk truck. Thomas’s methods of making it stop involve jumping on the hood and going ballistic. The driver yells SACRE-BLEU!!! and nearly crashes the van. The animals vs. humans scenes in this movie are pure gold. While he’s winding the motor, Thomas gets the aristocats loaded onto the back (see how subtly I slipped that in? Nicely done, I know). He sends them off with a string of farewells. Marie calls “Sayonara, Mr. O’Malley!” to him and falls off the truck. Oh, MARIE. Thomas saves her and drops her back into the truckbed, which gives him a convenient opportunity to rejoin them.

Back in Paris, Madame is staring sadly out of windows. Voiceover Duchess says, “She’d always say that we’re the greatest treasure she’d ever own.” At least Madame values living creatures over money. Madame lives in such a beautiful mansion. Why doesn’t a Disney neighborhood exist? I’m absolutely serious. Disney, listen. This is a really good idea. For free. My ideas are really good, I promise. Build a neighborhood of all the homes in your movies. I KNOW, RIGHT? Every four years, transition people in and out (so that we can give the non-millionaires a chance to participate). I’ll get back to you about which house is going to be mine. My lips to Disney’s ears. Or, in this case, my fingers to your eyes. Oh, right, we’re watching a movie here.

Frou-Frou greets a downtrodden Roquefort, who met with zero success on his rescue mission. It’s a sad day for everyone, they agree—and then Edgar comes prancing up. “Can you keep a secret? Hmm? Haha. Of course you can.” Frou-Frou watches him suspiciously. “Look, Frou-Frou! I’ve made the headlines! ‘Mysterious catnapper abducts family of cats.’” Edgar clearly didn’t get the memo that this is a Disney movie. The horse and mouse watch him with slowly building rage. He’s on a self-congratulatory high—“They won’t find a single clue to implicate me! Not one single clue! Why, I’ll eat my hat if they—MY HAT! MY UMBRELLA!” There goes Edgar’s good day. He runs out of the stable at top speed so that he can wait somewhere for the day to pass, then go tonight to retrieve his belongings somehow. Also, Edgar, you’ve forgotten that you didn’t actually get rid of the cats. You just lost them. The rest of your plan has been so well thought out, I thought I’d point out that teensy detail.

The milk truck trundles on. O’Malley delights the kittens by coming up with a “magic spell” to create breakfast. It’s very cute, the friendship he’s purposely forging with them. They raid the milk jugs. The driver sees them in his rearview mirror and comes to a screeching halt. He kicks them out, screaming Disney profanities. Duchess calls him a horrible person. I can’t blame the man for being angry with them for stealing and contaminating his milk.
They keep moving. Their path takes them over a river that’s spanned by a train bridge. Toulouse: “Come on, let’s play train!” The trio hops onto the rail. “Marie’s the caboose!” She scowls at him. They chug merrily across the bridge. “Clickety clickety clickety. Clickety. Whoo-whoo!” Another whistle sounds and a train engine comes roaring toward them at about a thousand miles an hour. They all manage to get beneath the tracks in the nick of time. The train passes. Marie has managed to fall off the bridge. OH, MARIE. Thomas dives into the water to save her. They float down the river until he’s able to pass her to Duchess, and he calls that he’ll meet them downstream. Toulouse: “Gee, Marie! Why’d you have to fall off the bridge?” YEAH, MARIE. WHAT’D YOU DO THAT FOR?

Two white ducks waddle down a path to some jaunty music. One is wearing a pink bonnet, the other is wearing a blue bonnet. I’m interested to know how they managed to tie those ribbons. They discuss how the French countryside has the great fortune to resemble England.
          DUCK 1: Ameliar, if I walk much farther I’ll get flat feet!
          DUCK 2: Abighail, we were born with flat feet!
Duck jokes. When they’ve picked themselves up from their fit of laughter, they spy Thomas in the water. He’s trying to grab something to pull himself to shore. They think he’s trying to learn to swim and paddle out to correct him. Ohhhhhhh no. “Don’t worry about form! It will come later.” They watch him sink and bubbles form. This is concerning. They dive.

The aristocats (heh, did it again) arrive at the shore in time to witness O’Malley strung around the necks of the geese. “You really did quite well for a beginner,” Abigail tells him. He looks even more like a half-drowned rat than Berlioz did. He drowned his dignity, too.
          ABIGAIL: Keep practicing!
          AMELIA: And toodly-pip!
Duchess and the giggling geese make introductions. Everything these two say makes them dissolve into laughing fits. I know people who are like this. Thomas calls them web-footed lifeguards and wants them gone.
          DUCHESS: Now, now, Thomas.
          THOMAS: Okay. Okay, baby. … [shortly] Hiya, chicks.
They practically collapse. He looks consternated. They’re not chickens! they inform him. They’re geese! Oh! he thought they were swans. It’s okay, Thomas. I only recently learned they aren’t ducks. They compliment Duchess on her charming husband.
          O’MALLEY: I’m not exactly her husband.
          AMELIA: “Exactly”? You either are, or you’re not.
          O’MALLEY: All right. [licks his arm] I’m not.
          AMELIA AND ABIGAIL: Ohh?
They begin whispering to each other about cads and reprobates and scandal. “His eyes are too close together.” Hahahaha. Berlioz looks closely at O’Malley to confirm their evaluations. Duchess is amused by all this. She explains the situation. O’Malley fails to shake the waterfowl when it’s discovered that they all have the same destination. The geese arrange everyone in a V. Abigail: “Mr. O’Malley, (barely suppressed giggle) I think you should be the rear end.” I want a screencap of every aggravated expression Thomas puts on in this film. The jaunty music returns. The whole troupe waddles down the road.

Paris: nighttime. A chef chases a goose out of a restaurant kitchen. The cats and geese waddle up to him. It’s Uncle Waldo. He’s totally smashed. “Abigail! AmEEElia! Haha. My two… favorite gooses. Heeec.” He got drunk on cooking wine, which is hilarious. He was supposed to be part of the menu—goose in white wine.
          O’MALLEY: Basted! He’s been marinated in it!
Being British, Uncle Waldo would have preferred sherry. “Sherrrr-ry! Sherry!” The geese all dissolve into giggles together. Abigail and Amelia try to contain their uncle with shushes but they’re cracking up. They stumble down the street and the cats affectionately watch them go.

Sherlock Roquefort hitches a ride on the back of Edgar’s motorbike but gets thrown off into the street. This valiant little mouse just has no luck at all.

Egdar sneaks around the haystacks by the windmill, looking for his things. Napoleon and Lafayette have found the cat basket and now they’re asleep in it and the sidecar. Napoloeon is wearing Edgar’s bowler. I love this subplot. Napoleon hears Edgar’s squeaky shoes and wakes his companion.
          LAFAYETTE: Aw, shucks Napoleon, that ain’t nothin’ but a little ol’ cricket-bug!
          NAPOLEON: It’s squeaky shoes approachin’.
          LAFAYETTE: Oh, cricket bugs don’t wear shoes!
Napoleon identifies Edgar’s footwear as “Oxford shoes, size nine and a half. Hole in the left sole, it sounds like.”
          LAFAYETTE: What color are they?
          NAPOLEON: Why, they’re bla—oh, now how would I know that?!
Edgar removes his shoes. The dogs decide it was a cricket and go back to sleep. Edgar, inside a haystack, uses a fishing rod and various other tactics to retrieve his possessions. The dogs come to the slow realization that everything has vanished. “Where’s my baby-bye basket?” wails Lafayette. They go searching for their things. Lafayette walks into the shoes and they start squeaking. “Napoleon, I’m plumb ghost-pimply scared!” They manage to frighten each other half to death, which results in Edgar retrieving everything. He away rolls down the road, quite satisfied.

Ah, the moon over Paris. Duchess wishes they could make it home tonight, but the bedraggled kittens are nearly asleep on their feet. O’Malley leads them to his home. Music bursts out of the attic. O’Malley’s jazz band cat friends have stopped by.
          O’MALLEY: They’re real swingers.
          DUCHESS: Shwinger? What is a shwinger?
SHE IS JUST PRECIOUS. O’Malley introduces the two groups to each other. This builds into a very energetic song. Everyone sings about how everyone in the world wants to be a cat. I will let this pass without comment. The jazz fiasco ends with everyone crashing through the floor of every level of the building. They emerge with busted instruments and smiles plastered in their faces.

The kittens are put to bed. They sing pieces of the Cats are So Great song as they drift off. O’Malley watches them fall asleep with a big soppy smile on his face. AWW. Duchess and O’Malley go out to talk on the roof. The kittens jump out of bed to eavesdrop. Duchess likes Thomas’s friends, and she likes his place, even though it’s in the low-rent district. I like that she’s not a snob.
          DUCHESS: I like it! All it needs is a little tidying up and… maybe a little feminine touch.
          O’MALLEY: Well, if you’re applying for the job, well…
          MARIE: Goody! Mother’s going to work for Mr. O’Malley!
They talk about the kids and how much he likes them and that they need a father around. Only, Duchess decides that their lives are too far apart for them to be together. She could never leave Madame. “Well,” says Berlioz. “We almost had a father.” Everyone goes sadly to bed.

The cats arrive on the street where they live. Thomas is impressed.
Inside, Roquefort sees them coming and is alarmed. Edgar smokes a cigar and pops open a bottle of champagne. He tells himself to get used to the finer things in life, since one day they’re all going to be his. Not if Madame catches you lazing off, Edgar. You’re going to be fired faster than you can say “Cheaters never prosper.”

The kittens run to the door, only to find the kitty door nailed shut. They meow loudly. Edgar nearly drowns on his champagne. Roquefort tries to sign to them to go away. At the gate, O’Malley and Duchess are still saying their sad goodbyes. They finally part. Edgar lets the cats in. He traps them in a bag. “You came BACK? It just isn’t fair!” Madame calls him, thinking she heard the cats. He throws the bag in the oven and runs off to fake call them. From inside the oven, the cats try to communicate with Roquefort .
          ROQUEFORT: His name is O WHAT?
          DUCHESS: His name is O’Malley! O’Malley!
          MARIE: Abraham de Lacy! Giuseppe Casey!
          DUCHESS: Oh, never mind! [he opens the vent] RUN, RUN, GO GET HIM!
Roquefort shoots away. A pause. Inside the oven:
          TOULOUSE: I toldya it was Edgar!
          BERLIOZ: Aw, shut up, Toulouse.
Madame decides she’s lost her mind and goes inside. Edgar smiles. Now I’d like to punch you, Edgar.

Roquefort goes racing down the sidewalk and stops O’Malley, who sends him to get the jazz band. “AAAALLEY CATS? … But I’m a mouse!” Still, Roquefort bravely obeys. There’s a little tension when he forgets O’Malley’s name. Everyone connects the dots and they race to the aid of their friend. I’m not saying I want to be a member of the mafia, but I do like the brotherhood aspect of things like this—one’s in trouble, the rest drop everything to help him.

Thomas looks through the window and sees Edgar on the phone. Edgar goes out to the stable and dumps the bag into a trunk addressed to Timbuktu. And so begins O’Malley and Then Eventually All the Other Animals vs. Edgar. Amidst the ruckus, Roquefort gets the trunk open. They manage to get Edgar locked in the trunk right as the truck arrives to cart it away.

Everyone is happily reunited: Madame has gathered all the cats together for a photograph—O’Malley in a bowtie included. The attorney is there to finish up the will.
          GEORGES: Scratch one butler.
          MADAME: You know Georges… if Edgar had only known about the will, I’m sure he
          never would have left.
If you hadn’t been a cat-obsessed lunatic, also. But greed has learned its lesson today, and I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say that we all have that warm feeling that comes from watching it gets its due while involving no effort on my part but observing from the sofa. Madame approves of O’Malley. She wants to make sure that any future kittens are covered by the will also. Jeez louise. Music starts up downstairs and everyone goes to see what it is (more adorable kittens running. Ah!). What it is: Madame has started a new foundation—a home for all the alley cats of Paris. I guess someone had to do it. It’s a far better idea than leaving a huge fortune to four cats. We go out on more jazz music and everyone singing. I like the end of this movie.

It’s over!

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