Summary: Merlin the Magician teaches a young boy who is destined to be King Arthur. - Imdb.com
Length: 79 minutes
Rating: G
Date of Original Release: 1963
Director: Wolfgang Reitherman
Writers: T.H. White; Bill Peet
Art Director: Ken Anderson
Music: George Bruns
Cast
WART/ARTHUR - Rickie Sorensen, Richard Reitherman, Robert Reitherman
MERLIN - Karl Swenson
ARCHIMEDES - Junius Matthews
SIR ECTOR - Sebastian Cabot
KAY - Norman Alden
SIR PELINORE - Alan Napier
MADAM MIM / OLD LADY SQUIRREL - Martha Wentworth
LITTLE GIRL SQUIRREL - Ginny Tyler
Plot & Commentary
We open our story with an annoying song that tells us that when the king of England died, the only way to avoid war was by way of a miracle in London: a sword in a stone. Whoever could pull it out would be king. Since the English are pretty puny, no one succeeds, and since their short term memory is comparable to a sparrow’s (no hate mail!), they forget about it for a long time. Color me unimpressed by British perseverance. No wonder they lost the American colonies (no hate mail!). “Without law and without order, the strong preyed upon the weak.” For goodness sake—instead of showing us riots and the poverty-stricken streets of London, we zoom into a FOREST and watch a squirrel fight for its life against a wolf and a hawk. NO, DISNEY. Human law has ZERO effect on animal law! Oh, this movie is going to set me off, I know it already.
A wizard—he’s got the hat—complains while pulling a bucket out of a well. There’s no plumbing and no electricity. Then he almost falls in the well. Then he gets his foot caught in the chain. He sloshes water all over. Then he kicks the chain in irritation. Though he has no one to compete with yet, this guy (Merlin, I assume) just became my favorite character in this movie. I have had so many days like this. My whole week has been like this. Where’s my bottle of whiskey? That will make us both feel better. “Everything complicated! One big medieval mess!” Door slams.
Inside, the wizard pulls the table up to his chair. Haha. His pet owl aggravates me. Merlin predicts the arrival of a scrawny kid. In his pipe smoke we see a sturdy young man; a skinny boy runs after him. This delights Merlin. “He’s a regula little grahshoppa! Haha, look at him go!” Merlin looks like everyone’s ideal version of a grandfather: floppy white hair, bushy eyebrows and expressive moustache, long beard, wiry spectacles.
The sturdy youth of the smoke image finds Wart (the grasshopper) irritating. Bunion, which is what I’m calling the sturdy youth until they provide me with a name, is trying to hunt. Bambi’s mother appears across the way but she manages to live to get shot another day when Wart falls on Bunion and the arrow goes awry. Infuriated, Bunion threatens to wring Wart’s neck. This seems a little extreme. And oh my word, these fake English accents are killing me. I don’t know if I’m going to last the movie if they keep this up. Wart is pretty cute, with blond hair and a skinny little body and pointy chin. He’s going through some intense puberty; his voice cracks atrociously. When my brother’s voice changed, it was a constant source of delight to my sister and me. Every time he said “Mom” it sounded like a goose honking. Wart tells Bunion that he’ll retrieve the arrow even though the forest is full of wolves hungry for something more substantial than squirrel. Never mind that Bunion has about twenty arrows to spare. This boy is laying a good foundation for being entered as an idiot in my book—but remember, we have a wizardly prophecy to uphold. He can’t help that he’s in a Disney plot.
A wolf straight out of Peter and the Wolf spies the boy tripping (literally) through the forest and hunts him unsuccessfully. I don’t have the heart to tell the wolf that Wart is the toothpick, not the entrée. Wart find the arrow stuck in a tree and climbs after it, but manages to fall off the branch, right through Merlin’s [poorly thatched, clearly] roof into the chair set up for him. Introductions. “My name is Arthur, but everyone calls me Wart.” ARTHUR, EH? More terrible accents. Where’s my whiskey bottle?
Merlin has been to the future. He has a tiny steam locomotive. I wish Star Wars had existed when this movie was made. Can you imagine Merlin modeling a Darth Vader helmet? Hey, medieval countrymen, I’ve got something that’ll really freak you out! Arthur compliments the wizard’s vast knowledge, which sets Merlin’s eyes twinkling. Aw, a crinkly eyes smile—I love those things. The two start to bond. Arthur keeps staring at Merlin with these huge eyes that are, quite frankly, concerning me. Like he’s been awake for two days straight and then someone gave him a double-shot latte. Wart/Arthur is training to be a squire. Merlin wants him to have a real education. He starts yelling at the enchanted sugar jar dumping sugar in his teacup, which I am only mentioning because the line is such a gem: “WHEN! WHEN! Impudent piece of crockery.” Oh Merlin, I just want to be your best friend!
Arthur pokes the sugar jar, which raps him on the hand. He stands to depart, thinks twice, and grabs another cookie. Wise move. I just gave a cartoon character the nod. Wart needs to get back to the castle kitchens. Merlin takes this in stride and pulls out a travel bag, intending to accompany him. “You watch now, you’ll like this.” He tells everything in his cottage that it’s time to pack up. “Books are always first.” I CONCUR. Everything picks itself up and floats into the bag. Once again I am struck with Mary Poppins envy. Sometimes all I want from life is the ability to point at something and watch while it automatically goes where it belongs.
The sugar bowl causes a traffic jam among the floating crockery when it starts a sibling-like scuffle. [Thanks to the whiskey] I find this incredibly funny. The bric-a-brac shrinks itself and loads itself into the bag. Merlin sings an unintelligible song and concludes with a flourish—“This is the best part now”—which ends with him sitting on his rear, chuckling.
ARTHUR: What a way to pack!
MERLIN: Well… well now, just a minute boy, how else would you get all this stuff
into this suitcase, I’d like to know.
ARTHUR: Oh, but I think it’s wonderful!
MERLIN: Oh. Yes it is, rather!
I am now gripped by magic packing envy. I HATE packing. I also want Merlin for a roommate. Nothing would make me happier than to have him toddling around my house lost in his own world or sitting on the couch, poking things and chuckling. When he's not, you know, cleaning up and packing my stuff.
Merlin clarifies that magic will not solve all your problems (he just proved this statement false) and Arthur informs him that he has none. Merlin: “Bah! Everyone has problems, the world is full of problems.” He gets his beard stuck in the cottage door and then it gets wound around his face. “GAH!” If his frustration wasn’t so familiar, and the complications so hilarious, I would be complaining about pratfalls—but the gags are getting gold stars thus far.
Does Arthur want to be all muscle and no brain? “I don’t have any muscle!” Which is why that stupid wolf is following you again? Merlin’s stand is that mental strength is the real power. “Higher learning!!!” He goes skimming nimbly through the forest. Merlin’s boxers are neon pink. If I wasn’t already his #1 fan, I would be now. The wolf gets decked by water and falling boulders while Merlin bounds through the forest roaring, “How do you ever expect to amount to anything without an education, I’d like to know! Even in these bungling, backward medieval times, you have got to know where you’re going! Don’t you?!” Bill Peet was obviously in the middle of dealing with a child who wanted to pursue their music career instead of going to college. “You must plan for the future, boy, you have got to find a direction!” We’ve covered this already, Merlin: Arthur’s a page. The walking soapbox halts—
MERLIN: Uh… Now, by the by, what direction is this castle of yours?
ARTHUR: I think it’s north, the other way.
MERLIN: Oh. Oh. Ggigigigbyshbturalgl.*All right then we better get a move on. Come on
come on lad, pick up the pace, pick it up pick it up pick it up!
*sputtering
And his feet turn into skis again. The wolf wheezes to the top of the hill they’ve just left, sees them returning the way they came, and collapses. I hope that means we’re finished with this subplot.
Arthur’s castle is legit. It has a moat and a drawbridge. Inside, Bunion’s father is pacing. He looks exactly like the servant version of King Hubert with orange hair. Bunion shrugs off responsibility for “the wart’s” care, but his father claims it. He took in Orphan Wart and he's going to do right by him, by golly. At this moment the wart himself enters. The mastiffs, Tiger and Talbot, launch themselves ecstatically at him. I speak from experience when I say there is nothing like a dog who loves you greeting you home. Merlin wanders in behind him. Bunion’s father (“Fat Papa”) gives Wart extra kitchen duty. They should also hire a fleet of Cinderellas. I’m just saying. Wart scurries off.
FAT PAPA: Need strict rules, especially for small boys!
MERLIN'S CRANKY OWL: And I most certainly agree!
Fat Papa, who just heard the bird talk, bursts into laughter at the idea of an educated owl. This is probably to set the stage for the resistance to Wart’s education that will be occurring in about five minutes (I can make predictions too, Merlin).
MERLIN: I happen to be the world’s most powerful wizard!
FAT PAPA: Hoo hoo! Come off it, man! Gadzooks!
Challenge accepted. Merlin, haven’t you learned to rise above taunts like this? He makes a “wizard blizzard” and convinces Fat Papa by turning him into a human snowman. Bunion, a.k.a. The Carnivore, referred to some as “Kay” but not by me, continues to stuff his face, because we’re supposed to hate him. It’s working.
MERLIN: I have come to educate the wart.
Fat Papa doesn’t like the sound of this. Merlin plays some mind games with him and gets invited to stay at the castle. He’s lodged in a crumbling tower, and then it STARTS TO RAIN. Of course.
MERLIN: “Best room in the house.” If he thinks he’s getting rid of me, I’ve got news
for that old walrus! I’m sticking it out!
He makes fun of the soaking wet owl and laughs at his own joke. Merlin. Never change. The wizard observes the arrival of Sir Pelinore, who has big news from London. Merlin threatens to turn Archimedes into a homosapien unless the owl goes eavesdropping. I’m just wondering why the most powerful wizard in the world is still standing in a leaky tower and has to send a bird to spy for him.
Fat Papa is thrilled to see Pelinore—who carries himself just like King Stefan—I am just saying—and they settle in for a gossip session. You should know that Arthur and Archimedes are both in the room during this conversation. Fat Papa’s name is Ector. Seriously? Is this more crap English accentry? The big news is that the winner of the new year’s tournament will be made King of England. Fat Papa immediately turns to Bunion, who lazily agrees that it’s a passable reward. Fat Papa decides Bunion is going to win the tourney. Bunion: “Sure. Why not?” Wart is told he can go along as Bunion’s squire and excitedly falls down the stairs in a crash of dishes. Bunion doesn’t want Wart as his squire. The knights ignore him. It pisses me off that Bunion is Kay, because I have always loved Arthurian legend and if there’s anything I know it's that Sir Kay was not the smug punkface waffle iron this moronic ginger is.
Dawn. Bunion is in tourney training and he’s terrible. He crashes into the tower, which wakes Merlin.
MERLIN: Hjyahaaarchimedes! Archimedes, where where where where are we?!
CRANKY OWL: In a tumbledown old tower in the most miserable old castle in all Christendom!
MERLIN: Castle? Castle?
CRANKY OWL: Don’t you even remember the boy?
Of COURSE not, Archimedes! I got the whiskey out, remember? Outside, Bunion is being reloaded onto his horse. Pelinore informs him that it’s not a matter of muscle—“jousting is a fine skill,” a science. I sense a theme coming on. Merlin observes that Arthur throws himself heart and soul into everything he does. Archimedes doubts that Arthur’s potential can be turned in the right direction. But… why not? Never mind, anyway, because Merlin has plans to cheat and use magic to achieve his ends. Don't ask me.
Arthur tells Merlin his hopes and dreams of white chargers and slain dragons. Since he’s lineage-less he can’t be a knight. The English feudal system was so screwed up. The animators of old got adventurous with this segment, showing most of this conversation in the reflection of the moat water. Merlin tells Arthur that if he can imagine himself as a fish, the rest of it should be covered by magic. This is a rather bizarre theory. Archimedes is grumpy because he was out all night. Arthur: “Then he must stay out every night.” It takes a second for Merlin to get it, and then he laughs like Arthur just turned into Jerry Seinfeld. The spell for turning into a fish, for those of you who would like to try, is “Aquarious aquaticus aqualitus qwum, aquadigitonium.” Someone tell J.K. Rowling. FishArthur has a spike of hair and FishMerlin has spectacles. Heh.
MERLIN: Thought you could take off like a shot, did you?
ARTHUR: Well, I am a fish, aren’t I?
MERLIN: You merely look like a fish.
In other words, Arthur has no natural aptitude for fish-hood. He’ll have to use his brain!!! Ahahaha oh, it all comes together. FishMerlin teaches FishArthur how to swim. He sings a quaint song and everyone has a good time.
Don’t just wait and trust to fate
And say that’s how it’s meant to be
It’s up to you how far you go
If you don’t try, you’ll never know
And so, my lad, as I’ve explained
Nothing ventured, nothing gained
And then he chuckles for about five minutes.The point of the rest of the song is that the strong will try to conquer Arthur and they’ll succeed unless he can outthink them. This lesson is immediately put to the test when FishMerlin gets stuck in the knight’s helmet that numbers among the objects littering the moat floor and a huge pike starts chasing FishArthur. Merlin won’t make him a human—he tells Arthur to use his brain. Arthur lodges a broken arrow into the pike’s mouth and shoots back to Merlin. “Is the lesson about over?”
Merlin can’t remember the counter spell. Of course! (whiskey). The pike hunts Arthur and Archimedes has to come to the rescue. After a long chase, they manage to make it to land. Merlin stumbles out of the water with the helmet on his head. He returns Wart to his human form. I like the detail that Merlin and Archimedes are soaking wet but Wart, since he was made human out of the water, is dry. This is convenient, since Fat Papa starts hollering for him. Merlin, amused, wonders why the cranky owl saved the boy’s life.
Arthur, shut up. He’s telling a dumbfounded Fat Papa about his adventures in the moat.
BUNION: Tell him off, Dad.
Fat Papa gives Wart six more hours of kitchen work for being late and telling fish tales. There are masses of dishes in the kitchen, which boggles my mind because it is not physically possible for only three people to make such a mess. Wart sings the "To and Fro" song cheerfully as he scrubs a cauldron. Merlin shows up.
MERLIN: Have you ever considered being a squirrel?
Merlin reveals that the squirrel’s whole life is a problem. It’s hazardous and dangerous. It’s not the danger that keeps Arthur from getting truly enthusiastic about this idea—it’s the kitchen work ahead of him. Merlin flicks his wand and the dishes start cleaning themselves. Arthur, helplessly fair, says: “But I’m supposed to do it.” Catch your break, kid! Merlin is happy to. They leave the mops and sponges running and get out of dodge.
SquirrelWart goes speeding along tree limbs. SquirrelMerlin, a cautious climber, hobbles from branch to branch. Yep, that’s me. Heights are not my fancy. Handle them with care. Merlin is an old gray squirrel (with spectacles) and Wart is a young brown thing. Merlin: “Don’t take gravity too lightly or it will catch up with you.” Arthur scampers away from his gravity lesson and runs into a pretty red squirrel. She chatters at him and won’t let him pass. He hasn’t gotten that far into puberty, honey. The girl squirrel will not be sidetracked. Arthur has NO CLUE how to handle this. Merlin leaves him high and dry—“You’re on your own, lad! I have no idea how to solve this problem.” There’s a friend for you. Arthur pushes her over and runs away. She follows him and happily pushes him over. I would love for this squirrel to somehow become Guinevere.
Merlin sings a song (while laughing his head off) (let’s be honest, I’m laughing my head off too) while watching the girl squirrel chase Arthur around in the trees. The wolf shows up (I know) and spies SquirrelArthur. He begins salivating. Arthur falls onto Archimedes, then disturbs a nesting woodpecker, and runs back into the arms of the female squirrel. And repeat scene.
A very fat red squirrel finds SquirrelMerlin and disturbs his song about how love makes no sense by grabbing his tail. “MADAM!” And Arthur has the last laugh. Or would, if he could shake his squirrel soulmate. I will just laugh for him. Right as the males decide that being a squirrel is more trouble than it’s worth, Arthur falls off yet another tree branch. His ladylove tries to save him but he plunges toward the jaws of the waiting wolf. When he gets trapped by a log (of course) she dashes to the ground and goes after the wolf, and eventually effectively saves Arthur’s life. She runs back to him and hugs him. I love how even as a squirrel Arthur makes 12-year-old-boy expressions. Merlin finally alakazams himself back to humanity.
MERLIN: You see?! I’m an ugly, horrible, grouchy old man!
MERLIN’S SQUIRREL: [angrily] Oooh!!!
He then returns Arthur to his natural form. Arthur’s squirrel is utterly crushed. She begins to cry softly and hides in her nest. And the movie ends with Arthur deciding that his life’s true calling is to be a squirrel and rescue Red from her heartbreak. They scamper through the trees together, smiling and laughing happily.
Or not.
MERLIN: That love business is a powerful thing.
ARTHUR: Greater than gravity?
MERLIN: Well, yes. I’d say it’s the greatest force on earth.
The girl squirrel climbs to a treetop and weeps huge Ariel tears while whimpering piteously as she watches Arthur walk away. I don’t even know what to say. Sad? Weird?
Jazzy music plays as the dishwashing assembly line continues to make no noticeable progress. Fat Papa calls it black magic and attacks the kitchen. The dishes obligingly fight back. Merlin arrives and halts the proceedings, then vanishes. Fat Papa won’t kick him out of the castle, per Bunion’s suggestion, because he might put a spell on them. Arthur sticks up for the wizard and his magic.
ARTHUR: Just because you can’t understand something, it doesn’t mean its wrong!
That earns Wart more labor and the loss of his job as Bunion’s squire.
Arthur sits dejectedly in the ruins of the kitchen and Merlin reappears. The wizard feels bad. They decide that one of the ways to remedy what’s happened is to start a serious educational course.
Archimedes, listening to the first lesson, highly disapproves of Merlin’s teaching methods. Merlin does some Angry Pipe Puffing and hands the job over to his owl. Archimedes orders Arthur to read a mountain of books and finds he first has to teach him to read. My mother, who is a 1st grade teacher, would be HORRIFIED to see the way that Arthur forms his letters, particularly that B. I am shuddering. Meanwhile Merlin dusts off a model airplane. He tries to demonstrate it to Arthur, but it gets caught by his beard and crashes in the moat. Witnessing this, the owl laughs so hard I’m positive he’ll give himself a stroke. He laughs so hysterically and for such a long time that now I’m sitting here laughing too. Arthur wistfully hopes that someday men will fly. He's always wished he could fly. It takes Merlin about two seconds to take care of that. Arthur’s delight is adorable: “I’m a bird I’m a bird I’m a bird!!!”
Merlin and Archimedes fight over teaching SparrowArthur how to fly. Merlin has studied the mechanics of flight. Archimedes is a bird. Archimedes wins. He clears his throat at Merlin, who clears his throat back at Archimedes. Oh, you two old geezers. I’m glad you have each other. Merlin sulks because this is turning out to be such a crummy day. I’ve got something that will help with that, Merlin. It’s called JAMESON’S. Archimedes waxes poetic over his natural ability: “It is a delicate art. Purely aesthetic. Poetry of motion!” They take a jaunt through the sky. I want to be a bird.
Unsurprisingly, a hawk on the hunt shows up. Archimedes saves Wart’s life again. Arthur had better keep this owl around when he becomes king. He’s proving more valuable than Merlin. No point in being educated if you're dead. The hawk chases SparrowArthur into the woods. Arthur lands on a cottage chimney and… FALLS… down into the fireplace. He’s picked up by a woman with atrocious purple hair and lime green eyes. Who did the character design for this one?! Arthur opens his big trap and tells her all about how he’s a real boy and that all this is thanks to Merlin. She laughs at the mention of the wizard’s name. Her name is Madam Mim and she’s the one with the real power. Madam Mim? Of all the Arthurian shoutouts in this movie, you couldn’t make her Morgana or Morgause? Archimedes arrives unnoticed and 180's like a shot, squawking “Madam Mim!” in accents of horror. She starts singing. Can I skip this scene? She can make herself as large as a house or small as a mouse. If I could do that, I would do it ALL DAY. For some reason she also stays in ugly old creep mode instead of lovely young woman mode. She wants to know how those apples stack up against Merlin. SparrowArthur is unsure.
ARTHUR: Merlin’s magic is always… well, useful. For something good.
MIM: And he must see something good in you.
ARTHUR: Oh, I suppose so.
MIM: Yes, and in my book that’s bad! So, my boy, I’m afraid I’ll have to destroy you.
ARTHUR: Destroy me?!
MIM: Yeah, I’ll give you a sporting chance. I’m mad about games, you know. Well, come on!
Get going, boy! You gotta keep on your toes in this game!
She morphs into a cat and goes after him. She catches him and he pecks her on the nose. As she’s threatening to wring his neck, Merlin arrives in a tornado of glitter. Mim challenges him to a wizards duel. They march through the woods to the beat of drums.
ARCHIMEDES: It’s a battle of wits. The players change themselves to different things in an
attempt to destroy one another. Just watch, boy, just watch. You’ll get the idea.
Rules: only animals, no make-believe animals like pink dragons (so much for Arthur’s dreams of dragonslaying), no disappearing, and no cheating.
Mim immediately breaks all the rules by vanishing and reappearing as a pink crocodile. Merlin starts as a turtle, then a rabbit, then a caterpillar. Neither of them is very good at this game. She’s a fox and then a chicken. He: walrus. She: elephant. He: mouse. Why on EARTH do people think elephants are afraid of mice? She: tiger, rattlesnake. I’m not entirely sure why I’m listing all of these out except that it’s easy to do. He: crab. She: rhino. I feel vaguely as though I’m watching The Emperor’s New Groove. He: goat. She: PURPLE DRAGON. Merlin STAYS IN MOUSE FORM. And then turns himself into a germ, which brings her down with a violent disease (don't ask me). Merlin—1, Mim—0. They leave her tucked in bed shrieking about how much she hates sunshine.
Snow on the castle. Hopefully this means the tournament will happen soon. Bunion is now Sir Bunion. Pelinore thinks the idea of King Kay is a terrible one. He is not alone. Join me for a glass, Sir P? Bunion’s replacement squire has the mumps so Arthur’s back in. He’s pretty excited and runs up to show off his squire’s uniform. Merlin is less than congratulatory: “A fine monkey suit for polishing boots!” He thought Arthur was going to amount to something. He really nails him to the wall.
MERLIN: A stooge for that big lunk Kay!
ARTHUR: [angry, tearing up] What do you want me to be?! I’m nobody! You—you don’t
know a thing about what’s going on today. I’m lucky to be Kay’s squire!
MERLIN: Oh!! Of all the idiotic—iibibihiihuh—BLOW ME TO BERMUDA!
Then he rockets out of the tower to, presumably, Bermuda. You lost a lot of points with me in this scene, Merlin.
In London, the tournament is going full swing. Arthur confesses that he forgot Bunion’s sword at the inn. He’s sent to retrieve it but the inn is locked. The owl sees a sword in the churchyard. Arthur is beside himself with relief. He runs to the stone that has a sword stuck in it.
As soon as he puts a hand to the handle, a light shines above him like he’s in an episode of Touched By an Angel. Cathedralish voices start to sing. He steps back and everything stops. He touches the sword again and it all starts again. Archimedes warns him to leave it alone and he lets go. He decides Bunion needs the sword and grabs it again. The lights and voices start up once more. This is hilarious. I would spend all day doing that, too. Arthur yanks the sword out of the rock and takes off with it down the street.
He gets back just in time: Bunion is up next. He hands over the sword. Bunion, the moron, doesn’t notice anything special about it, but his father does. Fat Papa reads the engraving and his eyes almost fall out. I have a bad feeling that they’re going to give Bunion the credit for this. Some random man with a huge black beard is all “The sword in the stone! It can’t be!” Pelinore is astounded. Black Hair: “Hold everything! Someone’s pulled the sword from the stone!” Arthur tells the truth about where he got the sword but no one believes him. These people need to go watch the Sesame Street episode of when everyone learned that Sunffleupagus was real and Big Bird wasn't just reporting some really vivid hallucinations.
Everyone goes back to the stone so that Arthur, who never lies, can prove himself honest. Fat Papa replaces the sword. Arthur rolls up his sleeve and bites his tongue in concentration—it’s quite cute—but before he can pull out the sword, Bunion shoves him away. “Anyone can pull the sword once it’s been pulled!” This won’t be the last time in his life that Bunion makes a major fool of himself. Fat Papa tries to help him. A bunch of men flock over. Black Hair and Pelinore call a halt to this—they want to see Arthur try.
Arthur puts his determination back on, grabs the handle, the music starts, the light shines, and he topples backward with the sword in his hand. The light grows and fills the courtyard (why didn't it the first time?) and everyone agrees that it’s a sign from Heaven. Arthur stares, bewildered, as the crowd chants, “Hail, King Arthur! Long live the King!” Can you imagine? Orphaned, twelve years old, your whole life you’ve been a servant, you’ve planned your future around your limits. And suddenly: KING. Archimedes is so happy he almost falls out of his tree. Too bad Merlin had to jet off to Bermuda to pout and is missing this very moving scene. Fat Papa bows his head in shame. “Forgive me, son. Forgive me.” Take note of this, viewers! Treat everyone you meet as though they’re secretly royalty. You never know, especially in cases of foster children.
Arthur sits on his throne in an empty hall, wearing a crown that’s too big for him. He’s not happy. “I can’t be king,” he tells the owl. “I don’t know anything about ruling a country.” I could give him a few tips. The owl is grieved. He told him to leave the sword there. Arthur decides to run away… but every door he tries opens to a crowd screaming his name. He wishes Merlin was there.
Wish granted! Merlin bursts into the room wearing Ray Bans, Bermuda shorts, and Converse. He reacts to the latest news like he’s already heard it, which irritates me. He reassures Arthur—he’s going to be famous! “They’ll be writing books about you for centuries to come. Why, they might even make a motion picture about you.” I’m laughing because it’s really late. Also, whiskey. He plops the crown back on Arthur’s head. The voiceover choir rapidly sings “Hail, King Arthur! Long live the king!”
It’s over!
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